September 13, 2004
Getting To the Bottom Of Things
It's been a "Coupling" weekend for me. And I finally understand the male point of view.....
thanks to Steve, defending his porn movie choices in answer to the female question "How could you possibly enjoy a film like that?"
"Because it's got naked women in it! Look, I like naked women. I'm a bloke. I'm supposed to like them. We're born like that. We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one. Halfway down the birth canal, we're already enjoying the view. Look, it is the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche: We like naked women, stockings, lesbians, and Sean Connery best as James Bond. Because that is what being a boy is, and if you don't like it, darling, join a lesbian film collective. I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of this table, but that does not stop me wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die. Because that's what being a bloke is. When man invented fire, he didn't say "Let's cook!" He said "Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!". As soon as Caxton invented the printing press, we were using it to make pictures of naked bottoms. We've turned the internet into an enormous international database of naked bottoms. So, you see, the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. Frankly, girls, I'm not sure how insulted you really ought to be."
I can't find a thing to disagree with, I really can't.
July 20, 2004
Bio
It's exactly just like me!
Except I'm not a he and I have knees.
And the tree thing... that's not me either.
The Friendly Cheese Song!
July 19, 2004
Addicted Now. Go Away.
I thought moving over to the MuNuniverse would be a good influence on Gir, but apparently she's still determined to corrupt us all.
Must... not... click... again.....
Damn.
I do love it so.
*turning up the speakers*
My Other Car Is A Shopping Cart
Every now and then, my dad sends me something pretty good... here's his latest:
"This picture is real - not doctored in any way - and was taken by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went to buy a camera to take pictures."
"The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust. A woman is either asleep or otherwise out in the front seat passenger side. The driver was jogging up and down on Rt. 925. (in the background) Witnesses said their physical/mental state was OTHER than normal. The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load! Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed.
The materials were loaded at Home Depot. Their store manager said they made the customer sign a waiver. While the plywood and 2X4s are fairly obvious, what you can't see is the back seat, which contains -- are you ready for this? --10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each. They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs. Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the back shocks were driven through the floorboard. The car, with FLA (naturally) plates, was headed for Clanton, ALA. where the couple presumably planned to build a new house in which to smoke their crack. "
(I checked Snopes and Google, and I can't find anything pointing at this as a fake. If it is, mea culpa. If not... holy crap.)
(Note number 2: I did find other reports of this, but with the main details the same... some with different destinations, but the same basic stupidity.)
July 17, 2004
Leo Getz Was Right
Bob, of "I Ain't Got No Journal" fame, is having a little trouble at the drive-through.
Now the drive-through is going to have a little trouble with Bob.
ME: I want to know how I can order a DOUBLE CHEESBURGER MUSTARD ONLY, have you repeat my order back to me, listen to you tell Captain Fries DOUBLE CHEESBURGER MUSTARD ONLY, watch as he hands you the burger and says again DOUBLE CHEESBURGER MUSTARD ONLY and I get this! I spose I'm sort of loud cause the Captain Fries leans down and thru the pass the shit through thing and says "Oh man - I dunno what happened! I just heard 'EVERYTHING BUT MUSTARD'".So I get my re-made and drive back to work all pissed off thinking ya know it sucks when all you wanna do is relax and eat yer plain old double cheeseburger mustard only like you do day in and day out who needs to gett all pissed off just before you freekin eat that can't be healthy. And coke.
July 12, 2004
Resumed
Looks like Greeblie went tits up, as we say here at Chez Cheese, and it left some good people out in the cold.
One of them is Jordana, of Curmudgeonry, a blog I never have pronounced properly but that I never fail read. I'm happy to say she's back up with her... uh, back up plan, returning to her old blogspot place.
Go give the lady some support, will ya already?
July 01, 2004
How About "Hound Dog"?
I'd say the naming theme was the least of their problems....
Sixteen? Six-freeking-teen? Do these people not have cable TV?
June 27, 2004
Eye See
44 Optical Illusions and Visual Phenomena.
The explanations were mostly beyond my comprehension, but me like the pretty pictures lots.
(from Bob, the finder of such neat things)
June 26, 2004
Not the Only One
Lee of Oh No The Blog has a new daughter, to round out the triumvirate began by Madison and DangerGirl. Her name is:
(insert incredibly loud drum roll and trumpet flourish here)
And if this little gorgeous new one turns out like *ahem* any other LeeAnns we know....
Lee, perhaps you should start that Intense Therapy Fund now. And lay in a case or twelve of good beer.
Weekly.
Everyone go by and tell him and the Mrs, who most likely had a little bit to do with it, big congrats.
June 22, 2004
Avoiding the Obvious
Jerry at Red Wheelbarrow has this report of an alleged PETA (spit spit) member who cons her way into a private home to "investigate" pet care.
I have no such problems round Maison Fromage. Number one, I don't let anyone in my door that I don't know. Number two, I have this sign in my front window:
It keeps the random knocking down.
"Armed and dangerous"... I think that's a bit too much warning. "Armed and frivolous"... that puts that smidge of uncertainty into play... "Will she shoot me? What part will she shoot? Is it a part I'm going to need the use of later in life? Is it a waterpistol or a Beretta?"
Now take your Watchtowers and get the hell off my doorstep.
June 21, 2004
So It's Not Only Me
"What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I sing and dance for her." – cat owner, New York, NY.And many more to be found at Iams' Customer Service Calls.
"I think if my dog received mail, it would build his character. Can I register him on your mailing list?" – dog owner, Richmond, VA.
"When my dog pees, he leaves brown patches all over the lawn. Is he peeing fire?" – dog owner, Covington, KY.
Shut That Bloody Bazouki Up!
Jordana of Curmudgeonry points me to proof of The Rules of Going to Worship, a.k.a "How Not To Act In A Cheese Shop."
June 19, 2004
Nail, Head of: Hit
I bow to the king of awesomely accurate eloquence...
Velociman speaks out on the latest murder.
To Go
The Coffee Achiever has some pithy words about who is to blame for our own fat asses.
She's entirely correct, too.
Tell Me A Story
Pam at Pamibe has written a lovely linky story for us, and subtly about us as well.
Or is it just that "it's all about me" thing I usually have going on?
"A Blogx Tale".
June 17, 2004
June 16, 2004
Just Another Reason Dave Barry Should Rule the World
The Rules....
10. (This rule was suggested by our Research Department, Judi Smith, who one day will open fire with a machine gun in a public restroom:) If you're a woman using a toilet, and, because you are dainty and fastidious, you elect not to sit on the seat, but instead hover over it like a UFO from the Planet Weewee, and as a result you spatter the seat, do NOT just leave your mess, as if no human will ever use this toilet again. CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF.
Snip
What happens when bad scissoring meets good television?
TopDawg at Dogwood knows.
It's must-see (writing about) TV... but for the love of monitor, finish your coffee first.
June 08, 2004
Poems About Cheese
Michael at Chasing the Wind has culturally enlightened us with Poems About Cheese. I particularly liked this part:
We have seen the Queen of cheese,
Laying quietly at your ease,
Gently fanned by evening breeze –
Thy fair form no flies dare seize.
Beats all that mushy "love, dove, June, spoon" crap, I can tell you.
June 07, 2004
You Don't Get A Little Sticker, But The Candidates Are Cooler
Have you voted over at Survivor Blogosphere yet?
You haven't? Why the hell not? Put down that coffee, pick up that mouse, and start dialling.... er, clicking. Lives hang in the balance!
Okay, maybe not lives but....
Just go vote. Please?
Do it for the children.
June 05, 2004
New At World Of Soil
Jeremy over at World of Soil has a new woman in his life.
Go on over and give him some fine new-father-congratulations!
June 03, 2004
Pigeon-Holed
I have just learned while visiting the Soggy Pigeon, that there are five types of blogs....
1. The WBC Blog
These blogs are the Whine-Bitch-Complain blogs. They are a source of outgoing steam or stress, and provide a substantial amount of relief for the writers...
2. The Zine Blog
These kinds of blogs attempt to create diversity in their subject content. They may be witty, sarcastic, mockingly ridiculous, or scathingly cynical in their writing....
3. The Personal Blog
Like its name suggests, this blog has a few readers limited to their close friends or family only, or would preferrably not have readers at all....
4. The Non-Serious Blog
These blogs belong to those who have trouble commiting themselves to blogging. They may write about a few, trivial matters, or their posting frequency may be sporadic, or they may be both....
5. The Linking Blog
The writers of these blogs are more avid readers than they are writers. They'll find an abundant amount of intriguing, upsetting, or humorous links on the web, and cannot wait to share it with others....
I guess, by this criteria, that The Cheese Stands Alone fits nicely into category 2, with certains aspects of category 3, drifting at times into category 1, with spontaneous category 5 outbursts after a short period of category 4 behaviour.
Or is it the other way round?
Go read the whole thing, it's here.
June 01, 2004
Come Hell Or High... Too Late
Scooterdeb left the bathtub running again and this is just the sort of thing that happens.
Let the Games Begin!
Survivor Blogosphere has announced the six victims players who will be giving their sanity all to challenge themselves, to entertain us, and most importantly, to win.
I'll be checking it out on a steady basis mainly to see who's gonna get naked for peanut butter.
I'm all about culture and stuff.
May 12, 2004
Outwit Outpost Outlast
Blogger Survivor, Season Two, is now officially commenced!
Those of you who want to follow in my illustrious and yet strangely humble footsteps as the Big Winner should immediately apply to Pylorns, who will be our host.
All those who wish to participate must email their name/blog/email address to me (pylorns at wetwired dot org) by the assigned deadline (see schedule). Please use the subject line: "Count me in."
Rules, regulations, and titillating tease of current and future prizes are here at Blogger Survivor.
And don't forget to check the Survivor blog often... there are challenges, votes, and lots of trash-talking. (Last season, I called Pylorns a doody-head.)
The possibility of someone getting naked for peanut butter is, of course, a given.
May 07, 2004
Stop The Presses!
Apparently the big story in the blogsphere today is that a blogger quit blogging!
Then after a few friends emailed a bit, began blogging again!!
This has caused blogworldwide excitement!!!
...because no one ever does this.
EVER!!!!
Stay tuned!!! Breaking details as they happen!!!!
April 16, 2004
Ask Me Stuff, Will You? Why, I Oughta....
Robert, one of our new fresh fodder for the great and terrible hungry gods Munuvians, has received several questions from some PR firm who wishes to have bloggers fetch their coffee, spitshine their Jags, and do all the grunt work while they party with anorexic nymphomaniac models in the south of France answer a few questions. As I get way too much spam as it is, I am using Robert for my own evil ways as a mere pawn in this power struggle to get out the word about new ways to increase my erection sending my answers to him to forward on to Mr. James Fryer, the PR hack who is so very interested in us bloggers.
Here's what I sent:
1. How do you typically source material/stories for your blog/site?
I make it all up. Every single word. If it's a slow news day, I pretend I write for the New York Times and write some kind of fantastical nonsense piece about the .03821 percent increase in the price of beets being directly linked to the Bush administration's plans for complete world domination. And in making beets cost more, too, the bastards. In fact, everything I've ever written is a total and utter lie. Including that statement. Think about that.
HA! You're having a brain hemorrhage now, aren't you? Paradox rules!
Yes, I watch a lot of "Star Trek" reruns, why do you ask?
2. Have you any examples of a story that you have broken on your blog, being second sourced up other blogs or the mainstream media?
I was the very first to post about the dire consequences of the lack of beer in my fridge. Later on that day, other bloggers expressed a similar and equally distressing lack of beer. Actually, it wasn't equally distressing, because it was then about them and not my problem anymore, and as we all know here in the cult, it's all about me. Yes it is. It IS. Don't make me do that Vulcan mind meld thingy again.
3. Do you believe people use or will in the future use blogs as a news source over the traditional medium of newspapers, tv and radio? And have you any evidence to support this?
If anyone is still listening to the paper, reading TV or watching radio for their news needs, they should just stop it. Stop it right now.* Anyone who takes breaking news seriously in this country knows that all right and proper news information management comes from those of us with way too much time on our hands a burning itch in a rather embarassing spot desire to be the first to get the scoop and an illegal police scanner a constant raw news feed from our second cousin who used to go to aerobics with the sister of an intern at the local network radio station a reputable reporting source.
*and because it's silly. Did you actually read that sentence? No? Just skimming again to see if I mention "breasts" or "hot naked jungle sex with fairy floss vendors"? For shame, for shame.
4. What are your views of the commercial sector adopting blogs to communication with customers, and other target audiences?
I think it's hot, a terrific turn-on. The very thought of the commercial sector makes me want to rip off my clothes, rub low-calorie psuedo-dairy products on my body and run shrieking in ecstasy amongst the cartons of fairy floss pre-production materials and old sno-cone holders in the back storeroom at work, at least until my break is over. Can't be late coming back from break, you know. There are RULES, dude!
March 25, 2004
Out With the Trash
My fellow Munuvian and absolute gentleman notGeorge has caught himself a troll. As skinning is too good for this nasty beast, he does the right thing... he fisks her to within an inch of her best-part-of-her-rolled-down-her-daddy's-leg life.
It's a beautiful thing to see.
March 24, 2004
UTOB
Otherwise and from now on to be the official acronym for the Unified Theory Of Blogging, as eloquently laid out by The Commissar.
If you ever wondered why you blog, or even how, this is required reading.
Hey, I don't make the rules, you know.