the cheese stands alone

The Road Not Taken

In retrospect, if only I'd continued my education and joined a sorority, maybe I could have unleashed my potential to be a closeted latent lesbian by that time-tested route of pillowfighting in my underwear with like-minded young women.
I mean, I had the undies and the pillows... what was I thinking?
Hindsight is so 20/20.

Today's Cynical Observation

Anyone who tells you to "just be yourself" has no idea about the general public, especially snotty assistant managers gone all giddy with power during a job interview.
I'm just sayin'.

Multi-Useful

Naturally, we here at Maison Fromage cannot approve of the use of the holy substance in this manner, but we do sincerely recommend the use of Spray Cheez as a good substitute for Silly String.

Man, This Water Is Cold

There must be some kind of phallic undertone symbolism in yard maintenance.
The landscaping guy is out there with his leaf blower, as per usual for a Friday. The fact that the tree trimming crew is also out there seems not to deter him. Rather, he views it as a challenge, a throwing down the gauntlet of leafy masculinity.
He blows.
They whack.
He blows more.
They whack harder.
So far it's a standoff.

My money is on the leaf blower guy. Everyone knows guys are better at putting out a lot of hot air rather than going out on a limb.
My apologies to ye of the testicle-bearing variety of reader. You know I adore you all, no matter how big your roots are.

I Spy With My Little Eye

Things I Saw On My Summer Vacation:

1. A sign in front of a Pentacostal Church that said "Flee Fornication!"
2. A teddy bear nailed to a stump in someone's front yard.
3. Two women at a flea market, standing ten feet apart, using walkie-talkies to communicate with each other.
4. A twenty-five pound, one-eyed housecat named "Bubbie".
5. The "Last Supper" made entirely of macaroni and nail heads.
6. Gravy on every menu.

Disaligned

The good news: After not blogging for so long, my fingers are rejuvenated and fresh.
The bad news: My blog alignment is all wonky, thus requiring multiple posts that quite likely will have little or no real content value to force it into the prefered structure.

Brace yourselves, it's going to be a bumpy.... er, bumpy thing.

Bus Tales

He was wearing a safety-pinned plaid blanket like a sari, he carried a ripped-off teddy bear head under one arm, and he could not, would not accept that "who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp" was just a rhetorical question.
Loudly. Very, very loudly.

Random Observation #68

Channel-flipping, landing on "Bridget Jones's Diary", seeing Hugh Grant, and thinking "Yeah. Yeah, I would. Oh yeah."

What star is doing it for you these days?

Timeline

Overheard on the bus the other day....

Guy 1: "Dude, what's that thing?
Guy 2: "What thing?"
Guy 1: "On your face, right there.... the brown thing."
Guy 2: "Oh... that's a birthmark."
Guy 1: "Huh. Wow. How long have you had it?"

Random Observation #293

Through the miracle of reruns, I have discovered what probably most of America already knows, via "The Apprentice":
That Omarosa chick badly needed someone to attitude-adjust her with a baseball bat.
Holy crap.

In Response To A Response To the Previous Post

A kind and thoughtful reader has emailed me with a suggestion on how to alleviate my boredom:

"Why don't you go outside and get a life and think about nature for a change, you stupid bitch?"- Mike Hunt

I'm not a big fan of the Great Outdoors, Mr. Hunt. I get all the communing with nature I want just by cleaning my toilet. I get my tan the old-fashioned way, by standing in front of the microwave while nuking my frozen, 4-for-a-dollar burrito with the door open. I explore this vast and glorious country of ours by slowing down while channel-flipping at the Travel Channel. I rejoice in the organic potential by only putting ONE artificial sweetner in my canned ice tea. I evoke the inner gardener by dusting the plastic palm tree out on the balcony.
I might not be your idea of Mother Nature's Favorite Stepchild, Mr. Hunt, but I'm on a first name basis with most of the presenters on QVC.
And in my world, that counts a lot.

Random Observation #12

I am consistently fascinated by a very basic fact:
My feet just look so very weird.
A pair of flat, chubby, blob-ish structures that erupt suddenly into toes.

No, there's not a gawdamn thing on tv, why do you ask?

Random Observation #771

As soon as you log out of your blog, you invariably think of just one more thing you absolutely must get posted before you forget.
Relatedly, if you think of a very witty, creative, and devastatingly clever post while lying in bed or while in the shower and you don't rush right to the computer to at least make a note about it, it will disappear from your head before you can dry off.

And why you need to dry off when you get out of bed, I really don't want to know.

Random Observation 51

One of the women at jury duty last week looked like the love child of Sarah Jessica Parker and Marilyn Manson.
And not in a good way, can you believe it?

Also

Those of you who are suitably impressed that, in the previous post, I spelled "triumvirate" correctly pre-coffee, raise your hands.
Thank you.