1. My goldfish were either having a turf war or an orgy this weekend. Hard to tell.
2. I watched a grown man stand on the hood of his car and bellyflop into a wading pool in the driveway across the street. I think we're safe, because from the screaming after he landed, I doubt he's having kids.
3. It was very sunny this weekend.
4. It was also my weekend to bake things.
5. I burned my muffins.
6. In all ways and interpretations.
7. I would choose Bill Engval to go shopping with, but I'd want to go bar-hopping with Ron White.
8. Mother's Day around here, combined with the gas prices, means signs like "FREE TACOS FOR MOM WITH FILLUP".
9. If I am your mom and you bring me a taco for Mother's Day, I will slap you so hard your dog will feel it.