tcsa

Wonder If They'll Make a John Travolata Movie Of These Questions?

I was there, decades ago, front and center, going on and on about how bizarro/annoying/freakshow tedious that Scientology was. And where was Tom Cruise to help me illustrate my point then? Buttwiggling in his tidy-whities and leaving me out in the cold. The cold, I say!
So it is with pleasure that I undertake this meme Margi found.

The Scientology Meme (These are real questions from the Church of Scientology’s “SEC WHOLE TRACK” questionnaire. Seriously.)

1. Have you driven anyone insane?
Only those I haven't met yet. YET.

2. Have you ever killed the wrong person?
Boy, if I had a quarter for everytime some Tom, Dick and FBI Special Agent McGhee have asked me that.... nosy bastards.

3. Is anybody looking for you?
Have you heard that old saying "Don't look for trouble"? Well, it used to be "Don't look for The Cheesemistress" but I finally got a decent lawyer and took care of it. So just don't.
Look, I mean.

4. Have you ever set a poor example?
I am the prime example of how to be poor. Ask my accountant when he gets out of the loony bin.

5. Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
Uh.... define "evil". Because it's kind of subjective. A little. And ambiguous, in that nice "we can't prosecute her for THAT, goddammit!" way.

6. Are you in hiding?
No, it chafes.

7. Have you systematically set up mysteries?
You know, Dewey and I talked about it from time to time, but we finally decided to go with the decimal system of mysteries instead.

8. Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
I don't have to practice, I'm that good at it.

9. Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
Quite often. In fact, I'm a stand-up philosopher. (Those of you who get this, congrats on your movie skills. Those who don't, go watch "History of the World, Part One" and give me a ten page essay on it. Spelling counts, and watch those margins.)

10. Have you ever gone crazy?
Hey, I've gone nowhere. I can afford to have my crazy delivered.

11. Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
Just to get out of gym class.

12. Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
See answer 11.

13. Have you ever smothered a baby?
Again, see answer 11. You people don't listen, do you?

14. Do you deserve to have any friends?
I deserve alcolytes, and disciples, and Angelina Jolie on a bed of baby endive with a garnish of creamed pears.
Friends have to be earned.

15. Have you ever castrated anyone?
My gods, is it PMS week already?

16. Do you deserve to be enslaved?
Only if it's by Angelina Jolie and her trusty bed of baby endive.
Or to get out of gym class.

17. Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
Why, are you afraid you'll stutter and the cool kids won't like you?

18. Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
"Real"? What is this "real" you speak of?

19. Have you ever zapped anyone?
Yes. And that's all I'm going to say about it until I find out when the statute of limitations is on that sort of thing.

20. Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
No, I refused to pay extra. And what do you mean, did I spread it? Like syphilitic Parkay or something? Chunky Jif gonorrhea? Hellman's chlamydia? Hork.

Posted by LeeAnn at June 28, 2005 03:01 PM | TrackBack