I discovered what was making me so wonky earlier.... I had a temperature of 9,301.
Okay, it was actually 103.6, but I had the thermometer upside down. Nevertheless, having seen so many medical shows that I damn near qualify as a neurosurgeon myself, I knew just what to do.
First, I threw up.
Cats throw up all the time, anywhere they feel like it. Cats also have nine lives and can survive being tumble-dried. Therefore, throwing up is good for you. As is being warm and fluffy and having softener sheets stuck to your tail.
And it's not like I had a choice, when the inside wants to come outside, there's usually not a damn thing you can do about it.
Then I took a cold shower. Okay, a lukewarm, tepid-to-cool shower, because I wasn't quite fever-addled enough to be a complete masochist.
Sidenote: Don't try to shave your legs in a cold shower with fever trembles, or there is a very-necessary blood transfusion in your near future. I'm just sayin'.
After my shower, I took a fever-reducing agent, hereafter to be known as Tylenol, because that was the name of it.
Then I employed my catlike reflexes and threw it up.
Sidenote deux: It's a little-known fact, but I am the anti-Linda Lovelace. I gag at the drop of a hat (which is why I avoid haberdashery shops.) I gag when I brush my teeth, thus the subsequent dentist hatred. I gag when I just think about gagging.... GARK!
See?
After a brief pause and a less-brief clean-up, I took some more Tylenol and retained it. Then I drank three glasses of water and a glass of orange juice.
Then I called the EPA, as orange juice gives me serious gas. Not funny gas, that would be nitrous oxide and we'll talk about that some other time. Like when I have to go to the hated dentist and puke on him. Did you know they can bill you for emergency laundry? Neither did I until then.
Now I feel a bit more like myself (no, I did not say I was feeling myself, get your mind out of the gutter... you know who you are.) and my temperature is down to 8,001.
Or thereabouts.
You know, I shouldn't be laughing right now but, this was just too funny.
Posted by: elliott at February 18, 2005 03:55 PMYes you should. Goodness knows I still am. What doesn't kill us makes us snort like ponies and nearly wet our pants, so they say.
Posted by: LeeAnn at February 18, 2005 03:58 PMYou know you're good to go when your temp is 986 - the same whether read right side up or upside down... feel better soon. In the meantime, you're the funniest sick person I've ever read...
Posted by: Teresa at February 18, 2005 04:00 PMWow! With all that water and orange juice, you're going to have to hit the litter box soon.
Posted by: Dash at February 18, 2005 05:52 PMYou know, you can get Tylenol (or at least the active ingredient) in suppository form.....
Posted by: Julia at February 18, 2005 07:34 PMOh, and you reminded me of my friend in high school who had a sensitive gag reflex, and when the dentist poked back too far in her mouth one time, she had a choice between clamping her jaw shut (and biting him in the process) or barfing.
She bit him.
He was extremely cautious when poking around in her mouth after that.
Posted by: Julia at February 18, 2005 07:34 PMI hope you feel better soon.
Posted by: Bob at February 18, 2005 07:36 PMIt was Snoop, wasn't it? He gave you the fever...
Posted by: Scooterdeb at February 18, 2005 08:10 PM((hugs))
I hope you feel better soon.
I kinda feel bad that I was laughing at your pain though.
I'm sorry my fever from two weeks ago found you. When it left here, it said it was heading south for the winter. I should have stopped it or at least asked it to head southWEST or something. Or told it to go to Mexico without any stops between.
I hope you feel better soon.
Posted by: Da Goddess at February 19, 2005 02:53 AMHoney, you seem to get sick an awful lot. You need to take a multivitamin if you're gonna interact with the unwashed masses at the big dept. store. And wear a paper mask, if only to screw with their heads. Hope you feel better soon.
Posted by: Karla at February 19, 2005 07:33 PM