I give up.
I tried, I really really tried, but I cannot watch "Napoleon Dynamite". I have started and stopped and begun and paused and fast-forwarded and reversed and yet I cannot force myself through it. It is a train wreck without the finer quality provided by maimed corpses. And yet it was touted to the heavens by critics and moviegoers alike as "hilarious" and "subversive". I just gagged a lot. Movies I dislike hit me in the pit of my stomach like a bad plate of moo shu dork.
Other movies I have tried in vain to watch, as per advice from raves and reviews:
"Buffalo '66"- despite the ever-luscious Christina Ricci, I couldn't keep from screaming at Vincent Gallo to shut the fuck UP already. He was a sinus headache with nasty hair.
"Ghost World"- I wanted so much to like it. It had slackers and outcasts and geeks, what's not to like? But besides being completely distracted by Enid's glasses, Steve Buscemi makes me itch. And not in that good place.
"Bottle Rocket"- Owen Wilson is the bomb. Excuse me, the bottle rocket. As is Wes Anderson. They also were behind "The Royal Tennebaums", which was just as self-conscious and silly as "Bottle Rocket"and which cracked me up. Yet I cannot get past the first five minutes, and I have no idea why... I just keep winding up in the bathroom with an old copy of Maxim.
"Joe Versus the Volcano"- Actually, just the first twenty minutes of this ulcerate me. This goes again to my inexplicable obsession with Tom Hanks and my inability to watch any movie, or part therein, where he is unhappy or in pain. Example: I watched "Cast Away" and cried until my face swelled shut and I had to have my dinner pizza intravenously.
And as long as I'm venting my cinematic spleen, let's list Movies I Won't Watch If They Are Made Of Oxygen And I Am Stranded On The Moon:
"The Passion of the Christ"- I like my myths with a little less in-your-face gore. If I want bloody entertainment, I'll watch anything by Tarantino. Besides, what fun is a movie where you know the ending?
"My Big Fat Greek Wedding"- I'm sure it was a cute little film, but it was constantly shoved down my throat via hype that I now Pavlovian-gag if I see a bridal shop.
Anything by Michael Moore- If I want to hear from a fat gasbag, I'll go to the zoo and feed the elephants some chili.
"Philadelphia"- See "Joe Versus The Volcano" above.
We can add to the list anything that is billed as "heartwarming" or "good family fun" as a major selling point. I'm just not a fan.
Like the poet said, opinions are like assholes... everyone has one and a lot of them stink. Stinky is in the eye of the beholder, I guess. I'm sure there are some of you out there a bit frothed that I've dissed your favorite film. If so, sorry about that. I'm just speaking with my gut here.
And really, what do I know? I just go for the popcorn and necking in the back row.
UPDATE: Upon the advice of TheFrog, I chaptered ahead and watched the dance scene in "Napoleon Dynamite". I must now redefine "train wreck". I seriously thought the kid was going to strip down any minute... the song should have been that "bow chicka bow bow" from porn movies.
And I laughed my ass off.
i've only seen buffalo 66 from that list and yeah, that was pretty strange and irritating.
christina ricci was hot in it though. i prefer her then to the popsicle-stick waif she is now.
Posted by: john at January 27, 2005 07:17 PM"Joe Versus the Volcano" - have you seen the LAST 20 minutes?
Posted by: Bob at January 27, 2005 07:42 PMThat's funny...I watched the movie and almost turned it off. I ended up watching it but still can't say that I liked it. But I didn't really hate it either. I just can't figure out how I feel about it. I agree that it was like watching a train wreck and really it brought back waaaaaaaaaay too many reminders of why I absolutely loathed school. Blegh!
Posted by: zonker at January 27, 2005 10:29 PMBut you missed the dance scene, Cheese!!!! OMG, that dance scene was THE BEST! Uhmm - don't mention to TPO that you didn't like it... it will hurt his feeeeeeeeeelings.
Also, I pretty much agree with you on the viewability of just about every other movie up there. Buffalo '66 was AWFUL. And I don't know what Meg and Tom were thinking with that J. vs V. pos.
Posted by: theFrog at January 27, 2005 11:34 PMI have to agree with you on The Passion. If I was going to make a movie about Jesus, I think I'd put some good (aka warm and fuzzy) stuff in there. After the first 10 minutes of torture, it was like being tortured myself.
Posted by: Karl at January 29, 2005 07:57 AMI am with you although unlike yourself I DID manage to get through Napoleon Dynamite. In fact, I think they should have t-shirts made that say just that.
Posted by: Janet at January 29, 2005 02:34 PMI had a friend who was in Joe Vs Volc. He informed me that a large portion of the movie was left on the cutting room floor. Unfortunately not "all" of the scenes were left on the floor. I agree, what a POS
Posted by: azygos at January 29, 2005 06:24 PMWhile I understand the reasons behind your reticence, it's unfortunate that you haven't seen Philadelphia.
It's the movie that caused me to love the inimitable Mr. Hanks in the first place.
Powerful stuff.
Posted by: Jennifer at January 30, 2005 07:05 AM"Napoleon Dynamite" - ugh, John and I walked out of that movie after sitting through it for nearly an hour - it just got worse and worse and more and more embarrassing.
Hated it!
I love Tom Hanks in the unholiest of ways. I would drink his bathwater. Rita? Poseur. He needs me. And even *I* haven't seen Joe v. The Volcano.
What made me fall in love with Tom Hanks? Bachelor Party.
*sigh* That man could fart the National Anthem and I'd be shouting "BRAVO!"
Anyway. I think I'll slam the "Sharing Window" shut, now.
Posted by: Margi at February 1, 2005 11:03 PMMichael Moore - elephant fed chili.. fun-nee *wipes tears*
Not touching on anything political here, but sometimes the guy goes the wrong way with the 'I need to make Americans wake up and smell the cofee', IMHO.
Posted by: Jade at February 2, 2005 01:02 AM