the cheese stands alone

Does a bear shit in the woods, Jesus H. Christ ( why the H?), there are others too rude to type.

slicker than snot on a doorknob

"aint no flies on you"

oh another one used only in more polite circles...

"crookeder than a dog's dick"

(it sounds obscene but it's only used in reference to lawyers as far as I know)

Every so often, I channel my late Dad and the word "Copasetic" comes outta my mouth. Recently my son belched loudly and I said "Bring it up again and we'll vote on it." He looked at me like it was time to put Mom back in the rubber room. I'm also apt to spout "Shit fire!" when the occasion calls for it. A Gen Xer friend of mine recalls his step-dad saying "You bet your bippy." He had no idea it came from "Laugh-In."

"Colder than a witch's tit"

My hubby still falls over laughing every time I say that. I swear that is how mom told us it was cold and a jacket was necessary before going outside.

"Cooler than the other side of the pillow."

When my mother used to scold me as a kid, she used to say "shame!......shipper shame!" The first time I told this to my wife, she said, "there's no such thing". I have no idea what it means, I think my mother just made it up.

"She's as homely as a bag of assholes." One of my dad's faves.

Hit the ground like a big turd from a tall cow.

In reference to a woman with a particularly jiggley ass...like bobcats wrestling in a burlap bag.

For someone who is a little off or slightly strange:
He's a Charlie in a box

Zen- I recognize the Charlie in a box from the Rudolph animated thing... the Island of Misfit Toys had a Charlie in a box. :)

"Sharp as a sack of wet mice."

"As subtle as a hand grenade in a barrel of oat meal."

"For the love of Pete" (I have no idea who pete is)

when we pissed my mom off she would say, "I'm going to knock you to the middle of next week if you don't stop." (she never really hit us, but it was still funny to hear her say.)

Jimney Cripkets (instead of Jesus Christ)

"when hell freezes over and spits up ice cubes" (if someone asks when something will happen, and there's not a snowballs chance in hell that it will)

Nerwen's comment reminded me of another one:

"Christ on a cracker!"

Useless as tits on a boar hog.
Busier than a one legged man in a ass kicking contest.
Slicker than two snakes f*cking in a barrel of snot.
Dumb as a box of rocks.
Uglier than a bucket of butts.

Harder than a preacher's dick.

"This room ain't big enough to swing a cat in."

"Dumber than a box of water/rocks."

My mom has a ton of them, but of course I can't think of most of them now. Those are two of her (and now my) favorites.

I thought about making one of those little quote books for her called "Mom's Words of Wisdom"

Tighter than a knats chuff

Dumber than a bag of hair
If dirt were dumb, he'd be an acre
You can't sleep with both eyes open! ;-) (In other words..don't torque me off, you'll pay)

I'll Stomp a mud hole in your ass and walk it dry (punishment)
I'll rip your head off and spit/shit down your neck (if you do/don't quit doing something)

Mike, the H stands for Hallmark, because G-d cared enough to sent the very best.

Is a box of rocks dumber, or less dumb, than a bag of hair?

When I am upset and in public, I tend to reference obscenity indirectly, with oaths such as "The seven words you can't say on television!" or "Language that would make a sailor blush!"