Once again, proof I live amongst loons.
Last night, a bit past midnight, I was woken by screaming and shrieking. No, it wasn't a car alarm (for a change). No, it wasn't a baby (although my neighbors all seem to have rabbit tendencies in that regard... every day I see a new baby being paraded around. They're either extremely fertile Catholics or cannibal ranchers.) No, it wasn't even a murder (although if they'd kept me awake much longer it would have been.)
It was Valerie.
I knew it was Valerie because as she chased the big guy down the sidewalk, howling in her dismay, he'd stop every now and then, holding out his palms in a crossing-guard gesture, and rumble in a Barry White voice, "Now, Valerie, stop it."
Valerie was apparently upset because Eric (big Barry White clone) was leaving.
We know this because Valerie was moaning, "Eric! ERIC!! Doan LEEEEEEAVE ME!"
Eric was leaving, need we mention? Eric was full-steam headed for his ride. Eric was out of here.
"Eric! ERIC!! Doan leave me! You gots me ver' vulnerable rye now!"
This slowed Eric.
"Vul-nur-bull? Whatchoo mean, vulnurbull?"
Valerie suddenly lost every stitch of accent and became Miss Vocab 2004.
"Vulnerable: to be open and exposed, weak, made available by emotional upset. Vulnerable."
Eric: "Uh huh."
And Eric moved on.
Valerie whipped back into "vulnerable" mode and threw herself down full length on the sidewalk beside Eric's car.
"Eric! ERIC!! Doan GO!!!!!"
Eric goed.... er, went, like the proverbial bat out of hell, while Valerie goed... er, went completely kindergarten mental and had a temper tantrum, kicking her feet and beating her fists on the sidewalk, wailing in her abandoned misery until Eric's taillights disappeared down the block.
Immediately Valerie sat up and perched on the curb, pulling her cell phone from her jacket and dialling....
"Girl? You doan even wan' know what dat bastard done now."
I think she heard me laughing by then, because she looked around and moved off down the block, chatting happily.
Why in the world did I bother to get cable?
Or as my husband would say, "Vulner-wha? Aw, now you're just makin' up words!"
Posted by: Amanda at December 9, 2004 11:58 AM