The GM1 has been out at sea a few days, and I find myself undergoing a sex change. To wit:
1. I hang about in my underwear, scratching freely at whatever parts I can reach, until I am forced by work circumstances to shower and dress.
2. I wear the same shirt until I can visually sense the scent patterns embedded in it.
3. The fridge has nothing in it but a half-empty pizza box, a crusty bottle of cocktail sauce lying on its side, and three cases of beer.
4. I kibbitz'd "The Matrix" last night... "You call that a kick? You only had both feet in the air for two minutes, dude! You kick like a GIRL, Neo!"
5. I fed the fish pizza crust to see if they'd eat it.
6. They did. I have some meanass goldfish.
7. I have emitted so many various gases that the EPA is crank calling me and the termite people want to hire me, if I come with my own big tent-thingy.
8. I told them I do, it's called my prom dress from high school.
9. I laid on the couch for four hours the other day watching porn until the wavy lines gave me a headache.
10. It would have been five hours but I found the remote... under a piece of pizza on the floor.
11. I have appointments with five prominent anthropologists who want to study the ratio of Time Spend On My Own to Distance Of Knuckles From Ground.
The GM1 returns relatively soon. I have to pull myself out of this and burn the entire apartment to the ground, which will be bad news for the people downstairs since I live on the second floor but hey, life's hard. Get a frickin' helmet tidy up a little.
I also need to shave my legs. Does anyone have a weedwhacker I can borrow?
(who am I kidding? I live like this all the time. I am a slobbalicious Cheese.)
dammit. you owe me (1) a cup of coffee and (2) some windex wipes to clean the front of my monitor!
Posted by: John at June 21, 2004 07:06 AMYou're a guy?
No, wait - the "shaving the legs" gives you away.
Posted by: Michael at June 21, 2004 09:30 AMLike my ol' Pappy used to say "The finest cheese is rank and runny".
Posted by: Jim at June 21, 2004 10:24 AMYeah, but you clean up good.
Posted by: Parkway Rest Stop at June 21, 2004 07:24 PMJust the other day, I was saying to a friend of mine, I said -
"You know what, I think there's something about Leeann."
And now we know...
Posted by: xade at June 21, 2004 07:45 PMAs luck would have it, Beloved Wife just purchased a rather burly weed wacker this last weekend and spent about an hour slaughtering greenery while sporting a look of herbicidal glee that made me distinctly nervous.
You can borrow it if we can sneak it out of the garage while she isn't looking.
Posted by: Harvey at June 22, 2004 11:50 AM