the cheese stands alone

I Shook My Head and These Fell Out

1. If I truly want a cup of tea, I should turn on the burner under the teakettle at some point.

2. I spent 15 minutes sitting in line behind a car while leaving the mall parking lot today, bitching about how snarled the traffic is, until I realized the car in front of me was parked.

3. Hot wax on nipples is a lot more interesting in smudgy typeface than it is in practice.

4. I know a person who is filthy rich. I knew him back when he was sending me twenty emails a day about how terrified he was his car was going to be repo'd and how he was sick of working for this absolute Mafia-wanna-be scumbag. Suddenly he turned some sort of career corner and owns his own business and takes first class flights everywhere.

4a. He once offered me a job... "name the salary, anything you want." I turned him down. My foot is still kicking me in my ass.

4b. He owns several pay-per-view live porn video conferencing websites. Hugely profitable. Perhaps it's just as well I turned him down. I'd be fired by now for smartassery.
And handpuppet abuse.

5. Should I have capitalized "and" in the title of this post?

6. My ex-mother-in-law once cut 3 feet off the little spray hose on the kitchen sink and hooked it back up. When I asked why, she said to save water.

7. I stole a spoon from Cracker Barrel once while lunching with my mom. She said I was going to hell. I told her not to worry, it was just a spoon. She said, well, then you're going to spoon hell.

8. Lifesavers should be renamed if you choke on them.

9. I quote Stephen Wright lines to my mother all the time. She thinks I am the most clever person in the world. I don't have the heart to disabuse her of this.

10. Mistletoe over a public restroom door is just wrong.

Posted by LeeAnn at January 2, 2004 05:40 PM