January 02, 2004

I Shook My Head and These Fell Out

1. If I truly want a cup of tea, I should turn on the burner under the teakettle at some point.

2. I spent 15 minutes sitting in line behind a car while leaving the mall parking lot today, bitching about how snarled the traffic is, until I realized the car in front of me was parked.

3. Hot wax on nipples is a lot more interesting in smudgy typeface than it is in practice.

4. I know a person who is filthy rich. I knew him back when he was sending me twenty emails a day about how terrified he was his car was going to be repo'd and how he was sick of working for this absolute Mafia-wanna-be scumbag. Suddenly he turned some sort of career corner and owns his own business and takes first class flights everywhere.

4a. He once offered me a job... "name the salary, anything you want." I turned him down. My foot is still kicking me in my ass.

4b. He owns several pay-per-view live porn video conferencing websites. Hugely profitable. Perhaps it's just as well I turned him down. I'd be fired by now for smartassery.
And handpuppet abuse.

5. Should I have capitalized "and" in the title of this post?

6. My ex-mother-in-law once cut 3 feet off the little spray hose on the kitchen sink and hooked it back up. When I asked why, she said to save water.

7. I stole a spoon from Cracker Barrel once while lunching with my mom. She said I was going to hell. I told her not to worry, it was just a spoon. She said, well, then you're going to spoon hell.

8. Lifesavers should be renamed if you choke on them.

9. I quote Stephen Wright lines to my mother all the time. She thinks I am the most clever person in the world. I don't have the heart to disabuse her of this.

10. Mistletoe over a public restroom door is just wrong.

Posted by LeeAnn at January 2, 2004 05:40 PM
Comments

You're going to Heck, which is ruled by Phil, Prince of Insufficent Light.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at January 2, 2004 07:01 PM

This sounds a lot like a running monologue. Do you do stand up? ;)

Posted by: pam at January 2, 2004 07:36 PM

I'm way too lazy for that. So I do sit down.
Thank you! I'll be here all week!

Posted by: LeeAnn at January 2, 2004 08:16 PM

Mistletoe over a public restroom door is just wrong.


Not if you walk out backwards :-)

Posted by: Lee at January 2, 2004 10:23 PM

I'll have to try that spray hose thing..what a GREAT idea!

Posted by: Eric at January 3, 2004 05:33 AM

hahahaha

A spray hose over a public restroom door can be a good thing.

Posted by: Sam Sonite at January 3, 2004 06:50 AM

Rotflmfao...My Gawd, you know people almost as goofy as the people I know.

That rich guy...he have any jobs open where nudity is NOT a requirement?

Posted by: Stevie at January 3, 2004 12:53 PM

I knew a guy who truly believed that, if you left your car running while the guy pumped the gas (we don't pump our own here), you "beat the gas station" out of some gas.

I suppose that the gas station guy could take a piece out his hose as a counter-measure.

Posted by: Parkway Rest Stop at January 3, 2004 01:08 PM

Off topic and totally random. I ran across this link http://www.uffish.com/archives/week_2003_12_28.html#007628, looked at the "stinky like cheese" photo and thought of this site. Hope it makes you laugh!

Posted by: Beth at January 3, 2004 02:31 PM

At least spoon hell should be less crowded than office pen hell.

Posted by: marybeth at January 3, 2004 04:20 PM

...um, really. Explain that spray hose thing to me? (That is if she ever explained it to you) I don't see how you could save water, other than the fact that the line would be too short for you to actually use it.

Posted by: Tiffany at January 3, 2004 08:40 PM

It's a comfort to know someone else lives in an alternate universe - population 4 million wackos - too.

Posted by: Jeff at January 4, 2004 03:54 AM

But what about being between a wok and a hard place?

And, as far as the tea kettle's concerned...I thought you burned it to a crisp!

Posted by: Da Goddess at January 4, 2004 12:19 PM

I'm on teakettle number four.

Posted by: LeeAnn at January 4, 2004 12:22 PM

Ok...no one commented about the nipple wax thing. Sounds like y'all are talking from personal experience. Expand!!!

(Yup...I know...one track mind that Kin...ask JenLars)

Posted by: Kin at January 7, 2004 10:58 AM