I'm usually a kind and generous person. I bet most of you are. I feel sorry for those less fortunate than I am. If a homeless person approaches me and doesn't smell like he's been bathing in Jack Daniels, I most likely will give him my spare change.
Unless I try to run him over with my car.
I was sitting in my car preparing to leave the mall, when my mother called me on the cell, needing my advice on birthday gifts for an uncle. One thing led to another and we were off on a yap fest.
Tap tap tap on my car window.
It was a woman, all layered up in multitudes of clothing. I ventured a guess that she was homeless by the shopping cart full of cardboard and scraps she was tugging on.
I rolled down the window.
"Do you have a dollar?" she asked.
I immediately got tipsy just from being downwind.
"Uh, no." I replied, and rolled the window back up.
Tap tap tap.
I rolled the window down.
"Gimme a dollar!"
"No, I don't HAVE a dollar!" and rolled the window back up.
Pause.
Tap tap TAP TAP TAPTAPTAPTAP!
"I KNOW you gots a dollar, you bin shoppin', now you GIMME A DOLLAR NOW!"
"NO! Go away!" I yelled and rolled the window up again.
By now my mom was peeing herself laughing. We went back to our conversation and by the time we hung up, I'd pretty much put Miss Gimme out of my mind.
Until I tried to back out of my parking space.
Miss Gimme was leaning on the trunk of my car. I politely beeped the horn to let her know I was backing out. She politely turned around and gave me the finger.
I rolled down my window.
"Get out of the way!"
"FUCK YOU, BITCH, GIMME MY DOLLAR!"
I could see our relationship was swiftly going downhill.
So I put the car in reverse and edged back just a tad.
Miss Gimme shrieked like I'd driven over her with a Humvee.
"YOU!" she screamed. "YER TRYIN' TO KIIIIIIIILLLL ME!"
When she started pounding on my trunk with her fists, I revv'd the motor and back up another half inch.
It was like someone had put a helium tank up Fran Drescher's butt and beat her with a scalded cat.
"YER RUNNIN' ME OVER! YOU JUST WAIT! I'M GONNA GET THE SECURITY GUARD TO COME SHOOOOOOOT YER ASS!"
I am an inconsiderate bitch, because I didn't wait for her to come back with Barney Fife to shoot my ass.
I rolled up my window and drove home.
And when I got there, I found a dollar in the driveway.
Postscript: I think Bill picked up Miss Gimme's granny.
Posted by LeeAnn at October 2, 2003 01:52 PMhahahaha funny story!
THINGS YOU COULDA DONE:
asked her if she had change fer a 50.
said "sure thing, but I'll need a receipt."
offered to call a real cop on yer cellphone to help her out.
laid down in front of her shopping cart and not move until she gave you $5.
Posted by: LordOrgan at October 2, 2003 03:01 PMOr call you to get idears on what to do. :)
Posted by: LeeAnn at October 2, 2003 03:12 PMA helium tank up Fran Drescher's butt?? Hell, yes. Now, unfortunately, I have my first Fran chubby. Seriously, people like this need Direction. And Discipline. Which reminds me. I'm overdue for a blog on the Bearded Lady who shakes me down twice a week. I promise to link back to this Fine Story.
Posted by: Velociman at October 2, 2003 08:37 PMHeh. Beautiful ending.
Posted by: Da Goddess at October 2, 2003 09:47 PMLike a scene out of John Cusack's "Say Anything" ("Two dollars! I want my two dollars!") I can see this old woman following you everywhere, riding her shopping cart across town, always a few blocks behind you, screaming "My dollar! Gimme MY DOLLAR!"
Great Story and yet another reason to carry a Firearm. Just Damn!
Posted by: Dax Montana at October 3, 2003 03:01 AMAnd if at first you don't succeed, throw it into reverse and back over him again.... ;0)
Posted by: Jack Cluth at October 3, 2003 05:41 AMGreg- You mean Better Off Dead, but it's still Cusack. :) Or did they have it in say anything too?
Posted by: LeeAnn at October 3, 2003 06:09 AMROFL! I love it. :-)
I love "Better Off Dead" & I admit that this post reminded me of that, too.
::still laughing::
No, you're right, it was "Better Off Dead".
I hang my head in shame - I usually know my Cusack movies.
It's been a while since I've seen either of those two.
Finding a dollar in the driveway at home elevates this to Chimera. Thanks for a great tale.
Posted by: gary at February 2, 2004 08:19 AM