the cheese stands alone

Inflated Opinion

I woke up this morning with a lower lip the size of my big toe and the left side of my underjaw swollen to bullfrog proportions. I have a headache like Montezuma's Revenge gone north and finding nothing to work with there. My coffee tastes like monkey butt.
Zero clue.
Any of you medical experts/voodoo witch doctors out there have a better diagnosis than the GM1, who peered at me in the flattering fluorescent light of the kitchen and used his Darth Vader voice to tell me "You're gonna DIE!!!!" ?
Or have I cut my final bit of cheese?

Just Don't

Two minutes of my life I'll never get back, and yet I can't seem to regret it.

All the Cool Kids Are Doing It

Everybody has a blog these days.
Darth Vader has one.
The Pope's got one.
His boss has one too.
Terri's blog finally got a little more interesting.
However, Dracula's sucks.

Apparently I'm Not the Only One

From Red Ted comes this: By Cheese Possessed.
Although I must admit I can't get my head to swivel entirely around at the scent of a tasty bit of fromage... yet. Yoga will take care of that someday.

Thank God For Quizzes

You scored as atheism. You are... an atheist, though you probably already knew this. Also, you probably have several people praying daily for your soul. Instead of simply being "nonreligious," atheists strongly believe in the lack of existence of a higher being, or God. atheism 100% Satanism 83% agnosticism 79% Buddhism 54% Paganism 46% Judaism 33% Islam 29% Hinduism 8% Christianity 4% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

Why Don't They Have a Category For "Hillbilly"?

Apparently "Beep" Gets You "Bleep"

The delicate art of parenting is alive and well in my genteel little corner of the world. As I stood out on my balcony yesterday, a (surprisingly) balmy afternoon, I saw the usual gaggle of grade-school kids wandering past on their ways home from the school up the street. Some of them were small enough to require adult supervision as they walked, and some had it. Some just had an adult with them.
A tiny girl was strolling along with her mother, whilst Mom chattered on the cell phone. Tiny Girl saw something in the street that must have fascinated her, because she made a beeline right out into the center of the road and stopped to poke at it with the stick she carried. Phone Mom was halfway down the block before she noticed she was alone. She stopped and shrieked "Keesha! LA-KEEESHA! You get BACK here right NOW! Doan you see Mama is on da PHONE!"
Tiny Girl, to her credit, looked up and around at the sound of her name, then went back to slowly poking the enthralling clump of whatever. Phone Mom, her parental duties completed, when back to yapping on the phone.
I live on a reasonably quiet street. Once in a while the big trucks will use it as a bypass of the more heavily traveled cross-street a block over, but usually cars just trundle through at a leisurely pace.
So when a car turned the corner and started up the block, I wasn't really concerned that Tiny Girl would become part of the squishy poked clot of crap in the street. And like a good driver who didn't want to spook Tiny Girl and cause her to run exactly in the direction he might swerve, the driver of the oncoming car slowed to a near-dead stop and beeped his horn at Tiny Girl. One short BEEP.
This has two effects... it caused Tiny Girl to slouch off to the curb, and it caused Phone Mom go to freakshow ballistic.
She waded out into the street, snatching the stick from Tiny Girl on the way and swinging like a blind pinch hitter looking for the miracle homer began smacking at the car.
"YOU DOAN EVER BE HONKING AT MY BABY GIRL, MOTHERFUCKER! I CUT YO DICK OFF AND STUFF IT UP YO ASS, YOU HEEEEEEEEEEAR ME, MOTHERFUCKER?" *smack smack smack*
The driver took the high road and drove off. Phone Mom threw down the stick in the street and stood glaring at the departing car. Tiny Girl screamed at the loss of her beloved poking stick. Then Phone Mom waddled back to the sidewalk, yanked Tiny Girl along with her by the arm, and continued her phone call as if nothing had happened.
Ovaries should only come with a license, like motorcycles or a puppy.
Oooh, or a puppy on a Harley, how cute would that be? Seriously.

Drawn Out

Crap turned art, sort of. From (non-blogger best friend of GM1) Steve comes Spamusement- "poorly drawn cartoons nspired by actual spam subject lines!"
I particularly like Do Not Open.
Speaking of cartoons with a non-sequitor origin, there's also Exploding Dog.

If Wishes Were Wings, A Frog Wouldn't Bump Its Ass A-Hoppin'

Teresa tickled my taggy bone.

Immediately following there is a list of 20 different occupations. You must select at least 5 of them (feel free to select more). You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select 5 of the items as it was passed to you). Each one begins with "If I could be..." Of the 5 you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession.

For example, if the selected occupation was "linguist," you might take the phrase "If I could be a linguist...I would learn Hebrew, Greek, Russian, Italian and Chinese." See how easy that is? Here's the list:

If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be an astronaut...

If I could be a scientist.... I'd discover the secret to eternal youth, and I surely wouldn't waste it on the young.
If I could be a doctor.... I'd find a cure for that gene that makes men have to have those megabass stereos that shake windows and eradicate it. Then maybe I'd get to work on that pesky cancer thing.
If I could be a linguist... I'd be cunning.
If I could be a librarian... I'd never be late for work or early home to dinner.
If I could be an astronaut.... I'd be moonward-bound, because where else does a Cheesemistress belong but on a world MADE of the stuff?

And here I break tradition and not tag anyone, because everyone who's clever and faster than I am (that's a pretty broad field, y'all) has done it already.

Friday Night At Lightweight Central

Follow these directions explicitly:
1. Drink one beer.
2. Giggle madly at "Blue Collar Comedy Tour" DVD.
3. Forage for snacks and wind up eating leftover sushi.
4. Drink second beer.
5. More DVD, more giggling.
6. Potty time.
7. Amuse self with handheld solitaire game whilst in potty.
8. Bitch about handheld solitaire game being a communist plot because you can't win.
9. Fling handheld solitaire game off balcony.
10. Ignore car alarm and go watch more DVD.
11. Drink 1/2 third beer and fall asleep on couch.
12. Wake up. Blame communists.
13. Repeat next weekend.

Who says I don't have a 5 year plan?

I'm 'tared

Another go-round of avatar fun from storTroopers....

Living Will

This one is the one I'll be having tattoo'd on my tush, for when they're rolling me around on the gurney to check for loose change....(with the appropriate name changes, of course).
Paul Rudnick's Living Will

1. If I should remain in a persistent vegetative state for more than fifteen years, I would like someone to turn off the TV.

2. If I remain motionless for an extended period and utter only guttural, meaningless sounds, I would like a Guggenheim.

3. If I am unable to recognize or interact with friends or family members, I still expect gifts.

4. If I am unable to feed, clean, or dress myself, I would like to be referred to as "Mr. Trump."

5. Do not resuscitate me before noon.

6. If I do not respond to pinches, pinpricks, rubber mallets, or other medical stimuli, please stop laughing.

7. If I no longer respond to loved ones' attempts at communication, ask them about our last car trip.

8. Once I am allowed to die a painless and peaceful death, I would like my organs donated to whoever can catch them.

9. If my death is particularly dramatic, I would like to be played by Hilary Swank, for a slam dunk.

10. If there is any family dispute over my medical condition, it must be settled with a dreidel.

11. Even if I remain in a persistent vegetative state for more than fifteen years, that still doesn't mean bangs.

12. If my doctor pronounces me brain-dead, I would like to see the new Ashton Kutcher movie.

13. If I remain unconscious during a painful, lingering illness, I would like the following life lessons to be published in a book entitled "Tuesdays With Paul":

i. Treasure every moment.

ii. Love everyone.

iii. If you bought this in hardcover, you're an idiot.

14. I do not wish to be kept alive by any machine that has a "Popcorn" setting.

15. I would like to die at home, surrounded by my attorneys.

16. If my loved ones insist that the cost of my medical care has become an impossible burden, show them a Polaroid of their "beach shack."

17. In lieu of flowers or donations, I would prefer rioting.

18. I would like my entire estate to become the property of my cat, Fluffy, who said, "He wouldn't want to live like this, with that zit."

19. Assume that, even in a coma, I can still hear discussions about my
apartment.

20. If there is any talk of canonizing me, please remember that I have often held the elevator for people who were still getting their mail, that I have twice offered a cab to a woman in a fur coat even though I was totally there first, and that I always waited to make derogatory comments until after the couple with the double stroller was a block away.

21. In the event of an open coffin, I would like smoky evening eyes.

22. At my memorial service, I would like my clergyman to begin his eulogy with the words "I suppose, in a way, we all killed him."

Busier Than An Eight-Armed Paper Hanger

Octopi.
Octopi.
Octopi.**
I just like saying it.
**While not primarily optopied, some of the photos do use octopian parts.
(Tentacular thanks to Edith Maverick-Folger, who far as I know does not have a blog but if she does she'd do well to let me know so I can add her all up in there on the 'roll.)

The Unitarian Jihad, You Say?

From our good friend Steve, who is strangely blogless, I bring you the wisdom of The Unitarian Jihad.
I'm not sure I entirely understand it, but how can I not like "We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. "
And names like Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience? Stellar.
Don't forget: "There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution."

If Jim Says It, It Must Be

He said he expected me to be the first person to jump on this listy meme... I'll show him! I'll be second! Or maybe (dare I say it?) even third or something.
I might just skip it and work on my cooking skills.
HA! Like that'd ever happen.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
8:00 AM. I think I must have a concussion or something, I never get up this late.

2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
"Sideways", and when I jumped up and screamed "YES!" in spontaneous joy when Hot Biker Chick Slutty Single Mom kicked the everlovin' crap out of Skanky Lyin' Guy in a theater full of sailors... pindrop time.
GM1 went to the bathroom and just never came back. What's up with that?

4. What is your favorite TV show?
"Lost" or "Survivor"

5. What did you have for breakfast?
Coffee, coffee, coffee, and some random fish food I snorted off the kitchen counter in a desperate bid to relive my disco days.

6. What is your middle name?
Cheesemistress. Boy, was my mom prescient or what?

7. Favorite cuisine?
Italian or Japanese, unless the Japanesey dinner involves tentacles or fish heads. I don't eat anything that looks at me whilst I devour.
Shut up, you naughty-minded thing.

8. What foods do you dislike?
Beets. Kale. Fish heads.

9. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Cashew Caramel

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
This compilation CD of Big Hair Bands... can't beat "Cherry Pie" as a wake-up song, particularly if you are prone to slutty-dancing in a bath towel.
The GM1 gots some moves, baby.

11. What kind of car do you drive?
A beat all to shit dark green Saturn something or other. His name is Buddha Rex. Standard shift, with irreperably filthy floors and rhinestones superglued to the ceiling.
I told you I miss my disco years.

12. Favorite sandwich?
Pastrami with kraut.

13. What characteristic do you despise?
Stupidity. Except in myself, particularly if it makes a good blog entry.

14. Favorite item of clothing?
Jeans stolen from the GM1 and embroidered in such a random girly way that he'd never steal them back. And thongs. Love that ass floss.

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
Australia. I am an accent slut.

16. What color is your bathroom?
White walls, rainbow selection of towels, and kind of a fish/toybox theme.

17. Favorite brand of clothing?
Gap... that's a gender imperative.
Think about it.

18. Where would you retire to?
An isolated house far away from all car alarms, loud stereos, and mutant neighbors. And when I die, the wolves can gnaw my bones.
Only it has to be somewhere warm, because I have all these thongs, ya know?

19. Favorite time of the day?
Any time it's quiet and I'm not at work.

20. What was your most memorable birthday?
I have zero memory of it, so it must be that one. You know, THAT one.

21. Where were you born?
Dogsballs, West Virginia

22. Favorite sport to watch?
Football

23. Who do you least expect to copy this meme?
Well, my ADD support group, for starters... oooh, look! Something shiny!

24. Person you expect to copy it first?
Froggie. She has da touch.

25. What fabric detergent do you use?
On Sale Brand

26. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Morning. I've had too many things go wrong in the dark.

27. What is your shoe size?
6 in women's, 4 in Converse Hi-Tops, the prefered footwear of the Cheesemistress.

28. Do you have any pets?
4 goldfish (Tallulah, Bruce, Lesley, and Manny) and one catfish (Infomercial)

29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family & friends?
I don't share. Mine, I tell you, MINE!

30. What did you want to be when you were little?
A librarian. Or a squirrel.

31. What are you doing today?
Becoming one with my computer chair.

I'm a Tease

There's something in the works, but I dare not hint, allege, or say more about it for fear of The Jinx coming on strong.
Trust me, it hurts me more than it does you. I mean, possible bloggable newsworthy event and I CAN'T blog about it?
I feel so.... bloated.

LeeAnn of Green Fables

We've spoken before about my black thumb... yes we have. YES, we have. Were you doing that thing where you just nod your head and say "uh huh" every now and then but really you were playing "Conqueror of the Jelly Donut Bimbos" on the computer and not really listening? Again? And you wonder why you don't get more.
Ahem.
Sorry.
Anyways, I kill plants. I used to be able to walk through the garden section of a store and just by thinking of buying a plant, have it wither and die right before my eyes. Plants that do come home with me are dismembered after a night of casual yet exotic sex and stuffed into jars in my refridgerator until I feel a bit peckish and go looking for a snack....
Ahem.
Sorry again.
I bring the plant home, lovingly place it where it will get optimum sunlight and feed it the good expensive plant food and water it appropriately... and it dies within the week.
I once even killed a plastic plant. I forgot and left it to sit on top of the space heater. Very Salavdor Dali afterwards, with that tantalizing burnt tupperware smell.
So when I caved in to my desires and tossed that dwarf off the Coronado Bay Bridge, to see him whirl and shriek on his way down because let me tell you, NOBODY calls ME a perv, now who's the freak you sick fish-food bastard you?
Ahem.
Sorry, won't happen again.
When I walked in the door with yet another innocent little plant, the GM1 accused me of actually enjoying watching the green darlings die. That I got some kind of twisted enjoyment from it. That I maybe got off on it.
He said I was a chlorophylliac.
So I hit him in the head with a frozen leg of lamb and stuffed him into the trunk of the car and now I have to drive allllllll the way out to east county to dump him on the side of the road and rush back and eat the murder weapon before the cops show up and I don't even have any mint jelly, goddamn it, why doesn't he think of how these things inconvenience me before he pushes me to this position?
Ahem.... sorry, what I meant was....
I have a nice new plant, I really do.

I Could Stop Shaving My Legs, Too

We should all be so lucky.

Possible Tagline For This Blog, Inspired By A Sudden Dutch Oven

"If you cut me, do I not stink?"

Reasons I Should Have My Camera Permanently Attached To My Hand

1. The Tarzan-gone-to-seed guy at the bus stop on 4th and E, wearing two t-shirts tied together as a loincloth, bathing with a third t-shirt and a small bottle of water.
2. The giant bottle of mystery substance at Sam's Club labeled "Creamy Liquid".
3. My new hair color. (Yep, I have hair ADD.)
4. The shameless skank-in-training rub-my-belly-NOW wiggling of the puppy outside the mall... yes, I rubbed, I rubbed.
5. The thongs I really really want at Victoria's Secret but valiantly held myself in check until next week when the cable bill isn't a priority.
6. They had big pink and orange flowers on them.
7. BIG pink and orange flowers.
8. Goddamit...
9. Stupid cable company, inhibiting my thong fetish.
10. I mean, yeah, "Deadwood" is part of a healthy cultural diet, but c'mon.
11. Did I mention how utterly cool the BIG pink and orange flowers were?
12. The flock of painted lady butterflies that just went orgy-flapping all around me passing the star-jasmine bushes on my way to the car at work.
13. The most perfect batch of tatertots ever. I will most likely not be duplicating this feat again, it's a once-in-a-lifetime event, these goldenly perfect tots.
14. I hate the cable company.
15. I bet I could make perfect tatertots every day if I were wearing those thongs.
16. Hell, I could be the next Pope if I had those thongs.
17. I heard the job is still up for grabs, you know.
18. And immaculate tatertottage is most likely a prerequisite.
19. As is a thong with BIG pink and orange flowers.
20. Amen.

Immediate Gratification

Your one-stop shop for one-time-only goodness:
Woot.
(from Bob, who knows goodness when he seize it.)

Happy Anniversary!

Once upon a time, six years ago to be exact, Bad Example Harvey wed the beautiful TNT.

They were the happiest of couples
They set up housekeeping together.

They ate together.

They slept together.

They travelled together.

to places near

and far

Sometimes they partied with friends at blogmeets.

Sometimes they were good.

Sometimes they were naughty.

Sometimes they were on the computer....

a lot.

Many tried to figure out exactly what made them tick, why were they so happy?

But most were content to just to be their friends.

Time passed.

And six years finds them still madly in love.

Who knows what the future will bring?

So happy anniversary, Mr. and Mrs. Bad Example, and many many more.

Yes, this is extremely cheesy and you probably feel the need to shower or floss about now. What of it? The Cheesemistress can't have a sweet and tender sentimental moment?
Fuck off.
In the most sweet and tender way, of course.

It's the Little Things That Count

I just now:

1. Tripped over the rug on the way into the kitchen and
2. Stubbed my toe un-kerphluffing the kerphluffed rug in time to
3. Tweak my knee climbing up on the climbing stool to get the microwave popcorn and made my other knee jealous of attention so I
4. Stepped wrongly off the climbing stool and tweaked my other knee.
5. Got a microwave popcorn cardboard box cut, much more difficult to get than a mere paper cut.
6. Caught my thumb in the slamming microwave door and was distracted by that particular pain so I
7. Hit the wrong button on the microwave and didn't notice until I
8. Burned the popcorn and in my rush to make it stop
9. Burned the beejeebers out of my fingers getting the popcorn near enough to the trash can to
10. Dump it all over the floor instead of the trashcan so I could
11. Cut and cauterize my foot on a superheated piece of supercrunchy kernel, allowing me to
12. Bleed all over the just-unkerphluffed rug, which happens to used to have been be white.
13. And in the throes of this kind of Rube-Goldbergian luck stream I daren't try to get it quickly bleached out because most surely I will
14. Wind up looking like Michael Jackson
15. And I am so not into 13 year old boys this year.
16. Just sneezed like an elephant on pepper from the burnt popcorn smell and now I
17. Have to get a squeegee for the monitor.

I give up. Going to bed. Technically this is a nonlethal activity, although I'd not bet if I were you.

Ohhh, The Colors! The Colors!

You scored as Carrot Orange. You are carrot orange. You are different and a little bit strange. Your style is your own and you don't like to follow the mainstream. Carrot Orange 88% Hot Pink 75% Turqoise 63% Lime Green 38% Bright Yellow 38% Pure White 38% Gloomy Grey 38% Jet Black 25% Blood Red 13% Royal Violet 0% Which Crayon Color Are You?? created with QuizFarm.com

Dubbleyou Tee Eff?

Today at work, in my Temp Cheese incarnation, I took many many way too fucking many for the love of god make them stop already! many voicemails from people hailing from India, Pakistan, the Middle East, and Asia. Many many don't you people have something better to do than name your kids from random "Wheel of Fortune" spins? many people with names consisting of vowel strings that could hang a cat. Many many I do NOT care what time it is there, stop chewing in my ear! many people who were not only polysyllabically named, but had their mouths full of curry or thousand-year-old egg soup or whatever. Many many surely the D.T.s must be over by now, mustn't they? many people to whom enunciation is a thing for the weak.
And not one, nay, not a single ONE took the opportunity to enlighten this poor Cheese and spell out their name, thus forcing me to transcribe phonetically....
"Mr. Sunwaltgeet Jukaraeemootpuut wants info on account"....
"Saranwrap Cokomokoolloopidong is calling to ask for extra time"....
"Teeloong Watchpotneverboils says the hokeypokey IS what it's all about"...

One person, I must admit, did understand the troubles and travails a poor voicemail transcriber must go through and spelled his name.
Thank you, Milton Johnson. I never would have known otherwise.

Parts Is Parts

The Interactive Body
I keep doing the Male version of the Organs choice, just to watch "male genitals" shrink up when you move it to the correct place. Must be cold in Interactive Bodyland.

Because Lists Are The New Black

Have You Ever:

(X) snuck out of the house
(X) gotten lost in your city
(X) saw a shooting star
(X) been to any other countries besides the United States
(X) had a serious surgery
(X) gone out in public in your pajamas
(X) kissed a stranger
(X) hugged a stranger
(X) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
(X) done drugs
(X) had alcohol
(X) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(X) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(X) made out in an elevator
(X) slept in an elevator
(X) swore at your parents
(X) kicked a guy where it hurts
(X) been in love
(X) been close to love
(X) been to a casino
(X) been skydiving
(X) broken a bone
(X) been high
(X) skinny-dipped
(X) skipped school
(X) flashed someone
(X) saw a therapist
(X) done the splits
(X) played spin the bottle,
(X) gotten stitches
(X) had an IV
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(X) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(X) gotten the chicken pox
(X) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(X) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
(X) been to Japan
(X) ridden in a taxi
(X) been dumped
(X) shoplifted
(X) been fired
(X) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(X) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(X) stole something from your job
(X) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend
(X) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans
( ) been to Europe
(X) slept with a co-worker
(X) been married
(X) gotten divorced
(X) had children
(X) saw someone die
( ) been to Africa
(X) driven over 400 miles in one day
(X ) been to Canada
(X) been to Mexico
(X) been on a plane
(X) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(X) thrown up in a bar
(X) purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(X) eaten sushi
( ) been snowboarding
(X) met someone in person from the internet
(X) been moshing at a rock show
(X) cut yourself on purpose
(X)been to a moto cross show
(X) lost a child
(X) gone to college
( ) graduated from college
(X) done hard drugs
(X) taken painkillers
(X) love someone or miss someone right now

And if you need further elaboration on any of these, let me know in the comments and I'll make a post of it.
I aims to please, I does, I does.
eXited from Senior Thinking.

Zoom Zoom Zoom

It's exactly like going to work on those "extra cough syrup" days.
(big thanks to Bob, who never thinks small)

Thoughts On Aging

1. Where the hell is this fabled "menopause" I keep getting threatened with? And how come it's such a threat anyway? Because I won't have the joy that is menstruation anymore? Bring it ON, baby... I for one am sick unto death of re-enacting the elevator scene from "The Shining" every fucking month.
2. And while we're on the subject, what's with this "pause" business? I want menofullfuckingstop, people. Let's get on the stick here and get with it.
3. I am an adult. I am a middle-aged woman. And yet I have a subscription to Clearsil Digest. My skin is still headbanging it's way toward mid-puberty.
To be fair, I still like Motley Crue. But c'mon.
4. When did I get a joint there and who gave it permission to throb like that? Arthur who? Itis? Never heard of the bum.
5. I had to stop plucking out my gray hairs because someone finally told me that Sinead O'Connor was just not the trend-setter she alleged to be. Bitch.
5a. But then again, it makes this super-cool streak right in the front which would show if I combed my hair back... but I CAN'T, because I have a zitty forehead. Bugger.
6. Suddenly elastic waistband pants don't seem like such a fashion faux pas as they once did. Or maybe I just need the K-Mart slapped out of me.
7. Get the hell off my lawn, you goddamn brats.
8. My next birthday cake will violate fire codes in most counties. I may have to get a permit or something.
9. Is that really my ass? Really? How much to take it back and get a smaller one?
10. Crows' feet... bullshit, looks more like the work of emus. Or those birds that don't exist any more.... oh hell, you know the ones....
10a. Memory shot to pieces, buying stock in Post-It notes tomorrow.
11. I read your ears never stop growing. Ever. For some reason this is the source of many a nightmare, that I will be trying to age gracefully with Yoda ears.
12. Dodos. That's the ones.
13. On the other hand, if I were a good scotch, you'd have drained me by now and blessed the day. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

The Man Who Fell Asleep

I've been here over an hour and I've only scratched the surface.
It's in that spot, right between my shoulder blades, where I just can't quite reach. Damn silly elbows, bending only one way.
I was particularly attracted to the disclaimer: "Please do not mortgage your emotional future on this website. I did. And everything went horribly wrong."

Currently Making the Rounds At Work

The Top 16 Rejected Commandments

16. Thou shalt not credit the Lord thy God for thy team's victory.

15. Thou shalt not park copies of these commandments in government buildings.

14. Thou shalt remember never to tell thy wife that her new tunic makes her ass seem large.

13. Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in Spain.

12. Honor thy poodles.

11. Don't be getting all up in my face about your petty wants all the damn time, you bunch of whiners.

10. Thou shalt not freely share of the MP3s.

9. 11. Goto 1;

8. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's big-ass flat-screen TV.

7. Mock not the names of my hurricanes, lest ye be mocked yourself.

6. Thou shalt not wear lycra if thy figure resembles the fruit of my apple tree.

5. Thou shalt pat thy belly. Thou shalt pat thy belly again. Okay, SIMON SAYS thou shalt pat thy belly. Hands on thy head. Christ, you Jews are sharp!

4. Molest not the innocent child, lest thy visage be blanched and thy nose crumble to dust.

3. Thou needest not see any movie by Mel Gibson to prove you are devout.

2. Thou shalt not vote for false idols, like that Clay Aiken dweeb.

1. Thou shalt receive the first two stone tablets for only one shekl, then a new tablet will arrive each Sabbath. If thou wantest that tablet, do nothing...