We've spoken before about my black thumb... yes we have. YES, we have. Were you doing that thing where you just nod your head and say "uh huh" every now and then but really you were playing "Conqueror of the Jelly Donut Bimbos" on the computer and not really listening? Again? And you wonder why you don't get more.
Ahem.
Sorry.
Anyways, I kill plants. I used to be able to walk through the garden section of a store and just by thinking of buying a plant, have it wither and die right before my eyes. Plants that do come home with me are dismembered after a night of casual yet exotic sex and stuffed into jars in my refridgerator until I feel a bit peckish and go looking for a snack....
Ahem.
Sorry again.
I bring the plant home, lovingly place it where it will get optimum sunlight and feed it the good expensive plant food and water it appropriately... and it dies within the week.
I once even killed a plastic plant. I forgot and left it to sit on top of the space heater. Very Salavdor Dali afterwards, with that tantalizing burnt tupperware smell.
So when I caved in to my desires and tossed that dwarf off the Coronado Bay Bridge, to see him whirl and shriek on his way down because let me tell you, NOBODY calls ME a perv, now who's the freak you sick fish-food bastard you?
Ahem.
Sorry, won't happen again.
When I walked in the door with yet another innocent little plant, the GM1 accused me of actually enjoying watching the green darlings die. That I got some kind of twisted enjoyment from it. That I maybe got off on it.
He said I was a chlorophylliac.
So I hit him in the head with a frozen leg of lamb and stuffed him into the trunk of the car and now I have to drive allllllll the way out to east county to dump him on the side of the road and rush back and eat the murder weapon before the cops show up and I don't even have any mint jelly, goddamn it, why doesn't he think of how these things inconvenience me before he pushes me to this position?
Ahem.... sorry, what I meant was....
I have a nice new plant, I really do.
I'm wishing the new little plant LOTS of luck, hehe!
Posted by: Tonya at April 15, 2005 07:34 AMYes, Yes, certainly I was paying attention... you want me to buy you some mints right? But I can't figure out why you want to feed plants with mint food...
Posted by: Teresa at April 15, 2005 07:41 AMI want pictures!
Of the plant. I already know what a dead husband looks like.
Don't ask...
Posted by: Harvey at April 15, 2005 07:54 AMYer serial vegecidial! Thank you for not going into details about the dwarf.
Posted by: Bob at April 15, 2005 08:50 AMDamn, it's been almost 30 years since I read that story, "Lamb to Slaughter"...
Who wrote it?
It was among the first short stories I read, along with the one where people chose by lottery one person to stone to death each year.
Boy, my Junior High literature classes certainly had some twisted short fiction in it...
Posted by: Jack at April 15, 2005 12:41 PMWe had a plant we couldn't kill. We started neglecting it, and it took over a month to die.
It was an interesting plant. It would get these little things that looked like 2 leaves all around the edges of its big leaves, and then they would fall off. And sprout into new plants.
At the height of the insanity, I think we had 4 pots with several plants in each.
That's the second time this week someone has reminded me of that plant....
Posted by: Julia at April 15, 2005 06:57 PMRoald Dahl wrote "Lamb To The Slaughter" and Shirley Jackson wrote "The Lottery", Jack....both great tales.
LeeAnn, seek professional help. From a horticulturist.
Posted by: zonker at April 19, 2005 09:39 PM