1. Where the hell is this fabled "menopause" I keep getting threatened with? And how come it's such a threat anyway? Because I won't have the joy that is menstruation anymore? Bring it ON, baby... I for one am sick unto death of re-enacting the elevator scene from "The Shining" every fucking month.
2. And while we're on the subject, what's with this "pause" business? I want menofullfuckingstop, people. Let's get on the stick here and get with it.
3. I am an adult. I am a middle-aged woman. And yet I have a subscription to Clearsil Digest. My skin is still headbanging it's way toward mid-puberty.
To be fair, I still like Motley Crue. But c'mon.
4. When did I get a joint there and who gave it permission to throb like that? Arthur who? Itis? Never heard of the bum.
5. I had to stop plucking out my gray hairs because someone finally told me that Sinead O'Connor was just not the trend-setter she alleged to be. Bitch.
5a. But then again, it makes this super-cool streak right in the front which would show if I combed my hair back... but I CAN'T, because I have a zitty forehead. Bugger.
6. Suddenly elastic waistband pants don't seem like such a fashion faux pas as they once did. Or maybe I just need the K-Mart slapped out of me.
7. Get the hell off my lawn, you goddamn brats.
8. My next birthday cake will violate fire codes in most counties. I may have to get a permit or something.
9. Is that really my ass? Really? How much to take it back and get a smaller one?
10. Crows' feet... bullshit, looks more like the work of emus. Or those birds that don't exist any more.... oh hell, you know the ones....
10a. Memory shot to pieces, buying stock in Post-It notes tomorrow.
11. I read your ears never stop growing. Ever. For some reason this is the source of many a nightmare, that I will be trying to age gracefully with Yoda ears.
12. Dodos. That's the ones.
13. On the other hand, if I were a good scotch, you'd have drained me by now and blessed the day. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.
I get zits occasionally as well and I'm well into my 30s (well, okay, the top half of the 30s, but still).
Oh, honey....you ain't seen NOTHIN yet.
Posted by: Pammy at April 2, 2005 05:53 PMhahahahahaha
the features you describe would normally scare me off, but yer so pretty.
Posted by: Bob at April 2, 2005 06:43 PM.. there is always a bright side.. those extinct bird prints could have come from a Moa instead...
Posted by: Eric at April 3, 2005 08:50 AMAh, you know me, Eric. I'm greedy. I always want moa.
Posted by: LeeAnn at April 3, 2005 10:14 AMMMMM... draining LeeAnn's fluid... ;-)
Posted by: Harvey at April 3, 2005 01:24 PMI cannot wait for menofullfuckingstop, myself. I plan to throw a party. A big one.
Re: the man who fell asleep down there...I couldn't leave a comment for some reason, but did you notice in the 'Hall of Unshame' they all list their favorite cheese? I thought it poetic. :-)
Posted by: Jennifer at April 3, 2005 05:41 PMThe menafinal stuff has to be better then this mena pause thing that happens - I think I'm mena final for maybe 7 or 10 months, then the pause is over and I'm mena pause again.
So far, as of now, I've gone 6 months. I will be very happy if I am a final pause at last.
And I have not needed to take hormones - so I sweat on occasion, not worth taking pills with so many side effects!
Posted by: Beth at April 3, 2005 07:13 PMDarling! All I can say is... EXACTLY!!! ROFLMAO!
Posted by: Teresa at April 3, 2005 08:53 PMit might be weerd, but i always thought that aging with grace is like aging with any other person. this menofullfuckingstop will not happen to me for a loooooooong time, but i appreciate your post for when i'm old...um...er than right now.
Posted by: Loonee Lyn-z at April 6, 2005 09:19 AM