the cheese stands alone

Timetables

I found this at After Hours Pub, and although that ship (#30) has long since sailed, been boarded by pirates, and scuttled, I thought I'd answer a few of these.... I love the whole Pollyanna-ish feel to lists like this.

By the time you're 30...
What every woman should have:
Cheese note: Emphasis on the "should", if you please.
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
Only one? Well, there is only the One Who Got Away, and I've done better since. But only one who is the lowest and most common of your relationship denominators? Please. Get me a calculator.
2. Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
Pffft. I don't have enough money to rent a movie, let alone a place of my own.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
Both of them had better be satisfied with jeans and a clean t-shirt. Otherwise they fail that "of my dreams" test.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen.
Holy crap, a "should" that I actually meet the criteria! I have an assortment of lovely purses, a suitable suitcase, and a traditional black veddy veddy Brit 'brolly.
5. A youth you're content to move beyond.
Don't be ridiculous. Only the truly delusional and vampires don't long to recover their youthful glory days. Well, and the still-young. Damn whippersnappers.
6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling in your old age.
Juicy, you say? The Smoking Gun calls me when it needs inspiration for a new Paris Hilton story, thank you very much.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
GOING to have? Babe, I'm already on the doorstep, and not only is the kitty empty, it's starved to death. Pre-funding is for the rich.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
I drank the screwdrivers, I have a cordless vibrator, and... wait, only ONE black lace bra is required? Shit, I overbought again. Guess that's where that pre-funding went.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
Hey, another criteria met! Thank goodness for Tonya!
10. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
I can swear it wasn't owned previously by any family member. However, I don't have a clue as to who donated it to Goodwill before I got hold of it.
11. Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
Oh balls. I have clean plates, a case of good beer, and the number to Pizza Hut. That had best be honor enough.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
Resumes are like bras.. the more padded, the better you look.
13. A feeling of control over your destiny.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha!
14. A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
Wash, walk, and Ex-Lax.... I love the classics.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.
I have the relationship part, and the rest just makes me laugh.

What every woman should know:
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
The whole point of falling in love is to lose yourself. Otherwise all we'd need are gossip buddies and a steady battery supply.
2. How you feel about having kids.
I had mine before I had a chance to decide. If I'd been around children before that, I'd have cornered the market on birth control.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
The first two are easy. A simple "fuck off and die" will suffice. The last is a bit trickier.... you have to get back all the stuff they borrowed first, just in case.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
Sometimes the hardest part is NOT walking away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.
I'm of the opinion it's best to communicate this before you stick your tongue down his throat.
6. How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
It's called "open bar."
7. How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.
Why do you think I get married so often?
8. That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
High heels, liposuction, and denial... all part of a healthy breakfast.
9. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
But the second ones are so much fun!
10. What you would and wouldn't do for love or more.
If the "or more" is the winning lotto numbers, define your terms now. Because the key to life is negotiation.
11. How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
Marry a military man, you'll learn.
12. Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
That's a short list... Nearly No One, Almost Everyone, and Because Ammo Ain't Cheap.
13. Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods - when your soul needs soothing.
Anywhere there's room service.
14. What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, a year.
Also called "Never start a magazine article in the bathroom unless you have the time to finish it.... this message brought to you by the Bran Association of America."
15. Why they say life begins at 30.
Because they're only 29 and stupidly optimistic.

Let me just footnote: The last time I took on a list thingy, I was misunderstood to have been knocking it. I wasn't then, and I'm not now. I'm merely having fun with a lot of things I think are idealistic silliness, but that in no way means I am slamming the author of such. I'm grateful there are people out there with such optimistic outlooks... it frees me up for my natural pessimism.