In keeping with my complete and utter lack of new content due to the fact my brain has imploded from Nyquil abuse tradition, I bring you a bit of the past:
Originally posted back in August of 2003, I present:
Pull My Finger
One of the first things that happened to me upon my re-arrival to Southern California was an attack of the deja-new. Not unlike deja-vu, deja-new strikes randomly, firing off memories left and right when you rediscover a place after being away for three years. It's not like I really forgot, it's more like while my back was turned everyone moved things around just a tad, like bad Helen-Keller-ish practical joke.
I decided the best way to reacquaint myself with the old hometown would be to take a lot of day trips on public transportation to familiar landmarks. I decided this because our belongings were still in transit, as was our car, and our daily entertainment was centered around a very fuzzy reception of "Regis and Kelly" on a minature TV.
Nothing should ever center around Regis or Kelly, no matter how mercifully out of focus it is. They are inhumanly perky. They frighten me.
One thing I'd forgotten about during my time away was the quantity and quality of.... let's be nice and call them "colorful street residents". Or we could just cut to the chase and call them "bums". In Hawaii, there are relatively few street people. I guess it's a math thing, proportionally. Less population = less population wearing a bedsheet and a tutu pissing on the mailbox at the red light.
Suddenly they were everywhere. At the bus stops, on the bus, on the trolley, in the fountains. Ranting, raving, glowering, scowling, babbling, begging.
And I forgot the first rule of dealing with transients- no eye contact. Ever.
So as I sat on the bus, looking forward to going home after a long day trudging around the zoo, I smiled at the man who muttered an apology for bumping against me as he walked up the aisle of the bus. He smiled back with all the teeth he could muster (3). And then he sat down next to me.
This man had issues. He had fashion issues, as evidenced by his layered wardrobe, giving him that trendy Michelin Man look. He had personal space issues, meaning he had no problem scooting over against me until we were almost sharing a thighbone. He had hygiene issues too, at least from where I was sitting downwind.
"Lookit here" he sputtered at me, and held out a shaky, crooked, filthy finger. "Dis my holy finner".
"Uh... what?" I stupidly replied. (Rule two- don't respond)
"My finner. See? Jesus lives in my finner. I gots a Jesus Finner. G'wan, touch it."
"No, no thank you, that's okay."
"It'll give you a blessin', girl. It got power. It's my Jesus Finner."
"No, it's fine, not really necessary."
"TOUCH MY JESUS FINNER! TOUCH IT! TOUCH MY JESUS FINNER!!"
On the other side of me, the GM1 was helpless with laughter. Chivalry is dead.
The JesusFinger man got off the bus at the next stop, pausing on his way out the door to wave it over us in a general blessing move.
I waited three days before I ventured out on my next mass transit attempt.
And that went fine.... until the Crazed Half-Naked Vietnamese Violinist got on the trolley.
That's another story for another time, though.
Despite it all, or maybe a little because of it, I'm glad to be back.
I'm really glad, though, that my car finally got here.
I love violin music! I need to ride the trolley more often :-)
Posted by: Harvey at January 6, 2005 10:21 AMHey, cool blog! So how do you like SoCal now? I lived there...10 years ago i think. I grew up in Hawaii, we also had our homeless issues too (are you from there as well?). I remember there were alot of issues about people living on the beach in shelters consisting of blue tarps as cover. Luckily they don't need protection from the elements, it never freezes or gets too hot. One reason why there may be fewer homeless in hawaii - its harder to get there, you have to buy a plane ticket, which is expensive. Hawaii was paradise from that standpoint, also lack of freeways, lack of billboards...it took moving to Houston (my current location) where i really found what big city life was all about - crazy drivers, lots of traffic (although H1/H2 in hawaii is now a huge problem), homeless, theft...i've been robbed 4 times here in 7 years. Scary. ANyway!