I worked on Christmas Eve.
Retail.
Worked on Christmas Eve.
I am not in jail for manslaughter or general mayhem and destruction, so this should tell you I utilized my own little bag of tricks to get through the evening.
Trick One:
Have you ever noticed when you say "Merry Christmas" to someone, you rarely consciously hear the reply? Armed with this observation, I amused myself by answering customer's holiday goodbyes with random greetings of my own.
"Merry Christmas!"
"Your shoe is untied."
"Merry Christmas!"
"I have a birthmark shaped like Texas on my labia."
"Merry Christmas!"
"Hail Satan!"
Trick Two:
Abandon all pretenses at tact. When a customer asks if Perfume X is a good gift, answer (with a big smile) "Only if you like the scent of monkey butt!"
Surprisingly, this actually convinced several men to buy aforementioned Eau De La Monkey Butt.
Trick Three:
When faced with intolerable cheer and sentiment, go for the Big Lie.
A huge brood mare of a woman customer with a litter of offspring the size of which not often seen outside of "101 Dalmations" several children came into the store and yelled above the roar of the horde of screaming tots asked "What time do you close?"
"In 15 minutes" I told her. Then trying to direct her to the proper area for promptness sake, I asked what exactly she was looking for.
"Oh, I'm not sure" she replied. "Just shopping around."
After nearly being physically ejected finally taking the hint that we were now 20 minutes after the fact indeed closed, she brought her purchases to me to be rung up.
"Don't you just LOVE Christmas?" she gushed. "There is NOTHING more fulfilling than shopping with your family, spending time with your loved ones, being with all your relatives! Don't you just LOVE IT?"
"I'm an orphan." I said blandly.
*dead silence*
"Oh."
Nevertheless, a Merry Christmas was had by your Cheesemistress, and I hope you all had a jolly time too.
Unless you shopped at the last minute on Christmas Eve. Then you deserved those lumps of coal.
I worked retail on xmas eve at Toys R Us one year. It never failed that whenever the song "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" started up on the in-store music loop, I was GUARANTEED to get the WORST human being in existence in my line. I also worked the return lines on over New Year's Eve/Day...
I do NOT envy you.
Posted by: theFrog at December 27, 2004 06:05 PMMy family is in retail so I can totally empathize. There are some truly ignorant people that are completely unaware of what asses they are during the season of giving. Giving me a headache, that's what they give!
Maybe there's an email spammed to half of the world instructing them to be on their rudest behavior on Monday before Christmas, indecisive on Tuesday, beligerent on Wednesday, whining on Thursday and On Christmas Eve, only the most cunning and evil shoppers are dispatched. From hell, that is.
Come see my blog and let me know if I smell like cheese to you..wait, that didn't come out right, let me know if I qualify for a cheese rating. That's better.
Tish