My mom, bless her little mommy heart, cannot help being a mom. Even when she knows she's just shoveling water uphill, carrying coals to Newcastle, beating that poor dead horse, the mommyness erupts.
I got caught in the lava flow.
You all remember the Great Battle of the Summer of 2004, don't you? The one where my ex-sister lost her mind and threw me out in the middle of suburbian North Carolina? Well, it took me a while, but I got over it.
By "got over it", I mean I quit having dreams, both sleeping and waking, of fire, flood, famine, death, destruction and stealthy cessation of cable television, visited upon said ex-sister. I managed to miss the near-ulcer teased by daily bile churned from rememberance, and I dodged the karmic bullet by not posting seriously photoshopped images of her and a donkey round the internet.
I Let It Go.
Then, during a routine phone call to Mom, she decides to play that most devilish of all Mom cards.... the Guilt Card.
"Gee" says Mommy innocently, "I was talking to Mike (ex-sister's husband) the other day, and he says Lynn has been blue about the... ahem... disagreement for a long time now, especially since you didn't send her a birthday card."
Btw, did she send ME one? Nope.
"He said it might be nice," she continued, "if since you're the oldest, you apologized to her. "
My mom is a very smart lady. She told me this when she knew I was calling from a public place, so I couldn't shriek in shock and then laugh hysterically until they carted me away to the Loony Bin.
I am a Good Daughter. I really am.
I didn't puncture my mom's little happy balloon of illusion and tell her outright that Satan would be ice-skating in his own backyard before any sort of apology would pass my lips to ex-sister's ear. I hedged and mmm-hmm'd and told her I'd think about it.
Then Mom pulled out the sharpest card of all the guilt deck and drew it slowly across my jugular.... she said it would surely make her so happy to know her girls were getting along.
I would rather eat broken glass than make my mother unhappy, and I'd rather eat broken glass than speak to Lynn. Either way, I'm toast. Bloody, lacerated, mumbling toast.
(How's that for a mixed metaphor? Wait until I break out the ones about whales and grass is greener.)
I managed to leave it ambiguous with Mom. And I'll probably send ex-sister a holiday card, very impersonally signed.
Milk of human kindness my ass. It's the milk of Mommy-ness that will drown you in the end.
I know I'll get comments and emails encouraging me to be the bigger person and apologize, etc... and if you feel the urge to say such things, please get it off your chest by all means. But know that the wheels of time and cheese move exceeding slow... it might be decades from now, when we're getting blogs beamed straight into our cerebellums and keyboards are just a quaint antique bit of wall art, before I take any action on your advice. Just so y'all know.
You won't hear me tlling you to let bygones be bygones and apologise. I have an ex-sister too and fortunately in my case, my Mom hates her as much as I do ~heh~
If it's poison cut it out. And do what's right for you, not what Mom wants...you're the one living your life and living a lie is worse for you than any guilt trip your Mom can heap on you.
Forget the holiday card. Forget ex-sister and don't let your Mom pressure you into *making up* when you're not ready.
True, I don't know the whole story, I'm new to your blog and haven't read that archive yet...I'm just saying faking it sucks worse than being guilt tripped.
Posted by: ASB at December 13, 2004 09:29 AMYeah, I have an ex-sister too.
My mother does the same thing with me with the guilt too and I refuse to acknowledge it.
Posted by: xinh at December 13, 2004 09:58 AMMay I suggest you do indeed be the larger person and photoshop the ex-sister with a donkey concept and send it as a Christmas Card, perhaps impersonally signed with an apology like "I'm sorry your ass has ended up on the internet." *shrug* SOMEONE has to apologize first, ya know.
Posted by: Bob at December 13, 2004 09:58 AMFuck her, feed her fishheads.
Posted by: Brass at December 13, 2004 11:11 AMI don't think you should feel obligated to send a card.
I have an ex-brother (my deadbeat brother) who I don't send cards to, don't call and don't acknowledge in any way other than to complain to whoever will listen about how he takes advantage of MY mother. (Mine, not his because he doesn't respect her as his mother. He treats her like his "get out of jail card" or an ATM machine.)
This year I made out a Christmas card to him and his wife and stuck a photo of my daughter in it. I didn't seal it because I was even considering sending him a check or a gift card, for pete's sake. Then, just before I mailed the last batch of Christmas cards, I slid his card out, looked it over and tore it up. I inserted my daughter's photo into the card for my husband's former childhood neighbors instead.
Just because they are related to you by blood doesn't mean they are good people and that we should be obligated to endure inhumane, disrespectful treatment. Your sister treated you like dirt!
Hang in there.
How about photoshopping a pic with her face on a dog and a drunken donkey? Then on the inside of the card, you can say: Sorry to hear your ass is a tizzy, but if you remember (and as you can see) I'm not the one who turned into a bitch.
Then say "Mom wanted me to apologize. This is as cloase as you're gonna get."
It's times like yours that make me F'in glad to be an only child.
More cheese power to you, Lady. I know you'll make the correct decision for where you are in life.
Gouda luck!
Posted by: John at December 13, 2004 01:30 PMYou should only apologize because you want to not because someone (even your mother) wants you to. I wont mean anything.
And I don't think that any of your readers will find the slightest fault in your not want to ever speak with ex-sis or her miserable family again.
Unless of coarse Jerry Springer calls for a show...
Posted by: zenwanderer at December 13, 2004 07:22 PMNo card. No way. No shit.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at December 13, 2004 07:22 PMJim summarised my reaction perfectly.
I realise there's very little chance of her learning how totally she fucked up by you ignoring her & letting her feel "blue" about what she did, but there's exactly zero chance if she gets sucked up to as a result of it. Play the odds.
Paul
Posted by: Light & Dark at December 13, 2004 09:27 PMI echo everyone else -- especially Jim and Paul.
(Mainly because I'm stalking them, but. . .any. Way.)
I know how, as an eldest daughter child, you can get sucked into that Vortex of Mom Guilt -- but you know what? Your mom isn't going to melt into a puddle if you -- um -- accidentally and inadvertently forgot to send a card.
Nope. I'm not one that can stay mad at anyone for very long, and *I'M* still pissed at your ex-sister for what she did to you.
Fuck her. Let her feel "blue." Pfft.
STOMPSTOMPSTOMP!
Posted by: Margi at December 14, 2004 12:25 AMAwww, you guys. :)
I don't need family, I gots you all.
Darling Girl, let the healing begin. Give ex-sister a broken jaw for Christmas!!!! The theraputic release from punching her in the face will be well worth the night in jail and fine. Failing that, do not apologize, not when she is going through the backdoor and involving the mom. That indicates to me she is a back stabbing skank, at best!
Posted by: 2Hotel9 at December 14, 2004 10:57 AMWhat Jim said. Nope, no way, no how.
And you're right, you do got us.....
:)
(man, the mommy guilt card...I feel your pain, got it going on right now too!)
Posted by: Tammi at December 14, 2004 05:52 PMSend her a card telling her that after giving it some thought you've decided to accept her apology. You can leave it at that or add that, of course, things may never be the same as before but you're glad that she realized that she had been wrong and only wish that she had been able to apologize to you herself instead of through another person.
That ought to add some excitement to her holidays as she tries to find out who apologized for her. It could be a bit cruel to those around her, but they're the ones pushing for you to apologize.
Posted by: marybeth at December 18, 2004 05:47 AMthe heck with her LeeAnn - she is the one who owes you an apology!! I still can't believe she did what she did!
I have a sister (my only sibling) who accused me of stealing my mom's dishes after she died. My mom had sent them to me 2 years earlier, Anne didn't want to believe it. We did not speak for about a year, and now I only hear from her when she is having a very bad day and wants a sympathetic ear.
I do not miss her one little bit!
Can I steal the donkey card idea and send it to my ex-mother?
Honey, you know where I stand on this. There's no need to be a "better" person and apologize. Let your ex-sister get over herself and apologize to you. She owes you. In many, many ways.
Big hugs and mooshy kisses from another familially disenfranchised soul.
Posted by: Da Goddess at December 20, 2004 12:31 AM