tcsa

Pants Full of Embers

I previously set you, my loyal Cheesers, the challenge of determining which of many factoids were true and which were false.
To be fair, you all did extremely well considering how weird my life is and therefore context could not be met by any normal standards.
The answers:

1. I had lunch in the principal's office every single day of fourth grade because I would not stop punching the boy I had a devastating crush on in the face to get his attention.
This one is True. The principal, due to extreme luck and small-town genetics, was my aunt and took pity on me. The boy in question was one of the Rich Kids (meaning he had a new bike when the rest of us had hand-me-downs from older relatives) and refused to acknowledge me unless I was in his face.
I took that a bit literally.
2. I was in a beauty contest at age 25 and fell off the stage into a potted palm.
Again, True. The contest was sponsored by the local hard rock station, so big hair and bigger heels were encouraged. As we were using the Tiki Room at the local Holiday Inn for the contest, each of us had to step over a decorative styrofoam volcanic rock border to walk down the runway. As I attempted this, my heel plunged into the styrofoam and I did a forward roll right off the edge of the stage, crushing a potted palm on my way down.
I think it was my screams of "Fuck fuck fuckity FUCK!" that led the judges to disqualify me. Can't out-curse the emcee, it's just bad pageant form.
3. I sold my swim team trophies to finance my first tattoo.
Aha! False. I can't swim. I paid for my tattoos the old-fashioned way... I neglected the cable bill.
4. At age 22, I was the middle-weight mud-wrestling champion of my area for 3 months.
Another True statement. While these were supposed to be strictly-for-show tussles, designed to coax the male patrons to holler themselves hoarse and therefore buy more beer, I took it a bit too seriously and set out to whoop some hussy ass. I did too, several times. It was fun while it lasted, until the bar was closed for health code violations.
What, did you think I spent my youth teaching bible school or something?
5. One of my ex-mothers-in-law tried to run over me with a sky-blue 1973 Buick.
Yep, True. That woman hated me with a white-hot fury that was nearly admirable in focus. She died in a mental institution one year to the day after I divorced her darling baby boy. No lie.
6. I am allergic to oysters.
Absolutely False. I love them any way I can get them, except raw. I'm not quite that hardcore.
7. Ben Stein popped my bra strap once.
Oh my, Ben, you naughty boy. True and False. It was twice. I was on "Win Ben Stein's Money", where I failed to do so. Later on, however, the production company called me to come up to L.A. to be a pretend-contestant when they were auditioning replacements for Jimmy Kimmel. Both times Ben was extremely courtly and genteel, shaking my hand with a slight bow as if to kiss it.
But each time, as I'd turn away, he'd reach out and snap my bra strap. With the complete deadpan that he'd displayed when he asked "Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?"
8. I was asked to leave Mexico and never return.
Sadly, True. Because you can never get enough tacos-of-questionable-meat.
Seriously, I got deathly evil drunk, and stood in the middle of Revolucion Avenue and shrieked "I've never seen so many fucking Mexicans in my LIFE!" My escort was persuaded by the local cops to carry my limp ass across the border and encouraged to never return.
9. I am deathly afraid of chickens.
Okay.... True. I know they all want to just peck my eyes out. I just know it.
10. At age 4, inspired by a Wide World of Sports special on cliff divers, I tried to dive into the bathtub from a standing position on the top of the toilet. Two weeks after the stitches came out, I tried it the other way round. I still have the scars.
Trick question. False. I was 2 and a half. The scars on on my chin and my forehead, respectively.

I may have to do this one again, later on with entirely new oddments. If I do ten of them, wouldn't that qualify for the famous "100 Things" meme?