the cheese stands alone

Signs of the Apocalypse, Part Two

I have learned that I am to be The Trainer at work, specifically for the Fairy Floss cart but also employee procedure in general for my department.
This, after complaints of intellectual elitism, malingering, and general floss abuse.
I will be training the latest hire crop of America's Youth... a pack of 16-19 year olds just begging for the Fairy Floss Floozie (patent pending) treatment. Luckily, it's a one-on-one deal so I don't have to worry about a mutiny.

Upon first learning this, I screamed like a sharp stick was being poked into my eyeball vaguely protested, as I myself have been on the job (does that sound so very "Cops" or what?) a scant three months. I then was told I'd set a record of sorts by not bringing small weaponry to work and working out my complaints in an explosive fashion staying in my position for so long. (It's also what made me so popular at the Bunny Ranch, but that's a tail for another day.)
This all came from my failure to kill the appropriate person in the chain of management recent training of young Allen, an event I thought was just a one-off. Young Allen is barely 16 and his first question was "how old are you?" I told him that asking women their age would not advance his. Then I told him, and watched as he turned pale and examined me surreptitiously for signs of senility and hip-breakage.
I then discovered the joyous part of Training America's Youth.... they will believe anything.
Anything.
I taught Young Allen the following things:
1. It is possible to lick your eyebrows if you train your tongue by regularly tugging on it.
2. Women like it immensely when you open doors for them.
3. Fairy floss was invented in Russia by a monk named Rasputin.
4. Xbox is vastly superior to PS2 and is used by the CIA to train deep cover operatives.
5. I once owned a mountain lion named Percy who ate twinkies.
6. If you make a joke and the tourist doesn't get it, be sure to wink. They will either then be signaled that it was a joke, or they'll think you're coming on to them. Fun either way.
7. The whiter the tourist, the colder the clime they come from. (This had to be explained with diagrams and a brief lecture on Mr. Sun and the reason for the seasons.)
8. Fairy floss has crack in it, but only random batches. This is why people will pay $3 for a small bit of it.
9. The louder a child screams, the more likely the parents will buy it anything to shut it up.
10. The louder a child screams near you, the more likely you will "accidentally" throw things at it when the parent isn't looking.
11. Don't throw anything away. Someone will buy it. Even with a shoe print on it.
12. Never, ever answer the phone on your day off.

I think Young Allen will do well.
If only he'd quit bringing his friends by, pointing at me and saying "Guess how old she is?"

(Yes, this is a roundabout but rather blatant rip-off of the celebrated "What I Learned" Friday, pioneered by blogger extraordinaire Lee of Oh No The Blog. When I pirate, I pirate the best.)