the cheese stands alone

Yes, More

I know I told myself I wasn't going to blog about my ridiculous workplace anymore. "Self", I said in a rather scoldy way, "you know you're going to wind up one of those boring bloggers who does nothing but whine and complain about their job until readers are shrieking at their monitors for you to "JUST FUCKING QUIT WHINING AND COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR JOB, ALREADY!" and they'll be right... abusive of the caps lock key, but right nonetheless."
As per usual, I have ignored the good advice of Self because, dammit, there's gold in them thar bloggy hills.
I also cannot believe I've used the word "blog" so many times in such a short space, but it's late and I'm on some lovely sinus medication so there ya go. Send in the redundancy police again.
So anyway.....
Where the hell was I?
Oh yeah....

Last night, I came out of work to discover someone had rearranged my car. To be specific, they'd managed to completely remove my passenger side mirror. I'd like to give them the benefit of the doubt and say maybe they didn't notice, what with the screaming toddlers and the pressing need to get back on the road to Bugfuck, Idaho before their tourist visa runs out, but they'd also taken the time to stop, pick up the amputated mirror, and lay it nicely in the center of my windshield.
Livid does not adequately describe my state of mind at finding this. I can firmly credit my continued devotion to "Deadwood" for my creative use of the word "cocksucker".
So I went and had it replaced (thank you, dealership, for the complete hoovering of my bank account) and like a good little worker bee, called the security office at work to file a report.

Me: "Uh, hi, yeah, my car was vandalized last night in the parking lot and I wondered if I should call in a report on it to you?"
Security Guy: "That is the proper procedure, sir or ma'am. What was the nature of the vandalization? Was it keyed? Spray painted? Broken into? Windows shattered?"
Me: " My passenger side mirror was knocked off and placed on my windshield."
SG: "Do what?"
Me: "Someone hit my passenger side mirror hard enough to break it completely off, then left it on my windshield."
SG: *assuming a very lecturey, "you-naughty-naughty-girl" tone* "That is NOT vandalism. That is what we in the business call 'simple damage'."
Me: "Simple damage."
SG: "Yes, simple damage."
Me: "So what counts as complex damage? Do they have to blow up the car, or can they just burn it to the ground?"
SG: *deep sigh of the Specialist In The Know When Dealing With The Poor Dumbass Civilians* "Well, if it would make you feel better I can write it up in The Notebook."
Me: " Uh huh. And what happens then?"
SG: "Then I put the notebook back under the wobbly leg of the desk. "
Me: "Okay..... well, let's go ahead and write it up anyway, just for fun."
SG: "But it's NOT vandalism. You can't go around saying stuff like that. It's not right. It makes us here at The Bigass Amusement Park Security Squad look bad."
Me: "Oh god."
SG: "Now, what kind of car is it?"
Me: "A Saturn."
SG: "How do you spell that?"