the cheese stands alone

Things I Has Learnt Today

It was educational, if nothing else.
Today I went to mandatory "Food Handlers Class", despite the fact that the comestibles I'll be peddling bear little resemblance to actual food and more closer to crack-for-kiddies pure-sugar-rush whacko fuel.
Here is what I learned, during the moments I was awake.
1. Everything you eat will kill you. Dead. Within minutes.
2. Employees get food at half price.
3. A federal health survery determined that it is impossible to go to the bathroom without pissing on your hands, even if you just went in to fix your hair.
4. None of my coworkers know what "Celsius" means.
5. However, a full one-half of the class have a probation officer of their very own.
6. The other half have restraining orders out against violent kin and/or significant others.
7. Except me. I have totally screwed up the curve as far as aberant behavior.
8. This is quite unlike me, because usually I am the deviant.
9. I had to join the union to have this job.
10. Current math informs me I will be working the first 4 hours of every month solely to pay union dues to be protected in ways that I have just learned do not apply to me as I am part-time.
11. I feel so used.
12. Hold me.
13. However, there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel.
14. I will be "serving my fellow fun-seekers in their quest for adventure and affordable snacks."
15. Bruce, the trainer, told us so.
16. I hate Bruce.
17. Bruce smelled of Hai Karate and spoiled milk.
18. I suspect Bruce is a wanker.
19. I also suspect Bruce pisses on his hands.
20. I did not shake hands with Bruce.
21. But I did have a lovely pretzel at the break.
22. Half off.
23. It was stale, but I don't feel as bad as if I'd paid the full $5.75 for it.
24. How can they charge so much, you ask? Can you say "captive audience"?
25. I knew you could.
26. You think this is a list? Wait until I actually have access to the public.