January 13, 2004

That Will Teach Me

I have been sick all weekend. Sick sick sick.
Now I am feeling better. Better better better.
Of course, the universe cannot allow this and as such, everything this morning, has gone to hell.
Hell hell hell.
And it's only 6:00 in the bloody A of M.

1. Got up. Made lovely coffee after seeing the GM1 off to work.
2. Spilled lovely coffee right into crotch. Not so lovely.
3. While cleaning up, stood up too close to edge of desk and clocked myself crosseyed.
4. Cell phone rings. Cannot find cell phone. Where the hell is cell phone?
5. Cell phone stops ringing.
6. Cell phone begins to ring again, with that nagging sound, like a jilted prom date.
7. Still looking for goddamn cell phone... could I have put it in... oh, when I was cleaning up the lovely coffee... oh yeah, there it is.
8. Make note: Do not put cell phone in cleaning cupboard with wet sponges again.
9. Answer cell phone. It is a very VERY cranky GM1. The car has gone tits up in the MIDDLE of the turn lane.
10. Quickly review ever-present list of bankruptcy lawyers I keep in my head.
11. Get tow company number for the GM1, who can be heard screaming "I KNOW IT'S BROKE DOWN, MOTHERFUCKER! TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW!" at people who are helpfully honking at him.
12. Work out details of where to take car, which credit card will bear the burden, and all details to remember to tell the dealership.
13. GM1 perks up immediately when he realizes he can get out of work to take care of this. Surely a day off is worth sending us to the poorhouse via the mechanic.
14. Brazilians want me to experience more porn spam, and someone named Chelsea says my penis can be 20% bigger.
15. Realize I have no more creamer for the coffee and must use ice cream carton scrappings. This is obviously why I so wisely returned an empty container to the freezer. Prescient little me.
16. Look up "prescient" three times because it just looks odd.
17. In taking down the dictionary, knock over the ceramic kitty I have on the shelf above the computer.
18. Watch as it falls down to the desk.
19. Knocking over my coffee cup.
20. Which I just refilled.
21. Clean up again.
47. Completely lose the ability to count properly.
72. Cell phone is ringing again. And I'm still holding the sponge. So at least we have a clue as to where the phone is.

Must go, the GM1 needs to tell me why we are moving to Peru to live in a cardboard box, down by the river, eating government cheese.

Posted by LeeAnn at January 13, 2004 06:22 AM

You bring a certain elan to the emotional breakdown process. :)

Posted by: Ted at January 13, 2004 08:01 AM

Tis not a breakdown, but a crack in the facade of perfection.
Okay, I couldn't even type that with a straight face. Bwahahahaha!

Posted by: LeeAnn at January 13, 2004 08:36 AM

Peru? With those pesky Shining Path leftist guerilla fighting revolutionaries making cardboard box living uncomfortable. Might I suggest Costa Rica or just going back to bed.

Posted by: zenwanderer at January 13, 2004 08:40 AM

So... should I get you one of those wide-base, narrow-topped coffee cups with a sippy lid for Valentine's day, or simply keep you away from sharp objects for while?

Posted by: Harvey at January 13, 2004 10:39 AM

hey...cheer up...never forget..as bad as things are, they can ALWAYS get worse...;)

Posted by: eric at January 13, 2004 10:50 AM

Why am I laughing at your misfortune? Is it because I am a heartless wench? Or because I hope you laugh at mine? ;)

Posted by: Susie at January 13, 2004 10:58 AM

LeeAnn, you always crack me up. You're hilarious.
You're like the Dave Barry of the blogworld. Only you're female.
If i'd written this blog entry it would have been an extremely unfunny expletive ladden bitch-fest.

Posted by: Greg at January 13, 2004 11:27 AM

Government cheese in Peru? Peruvian cheese? Wonder if it's any good?

Posted by: Amanda at January 13, 2004 12:05 PM

You're good at counting :) Teach me!

Posted by: Tiffany at January 13, 2004 12:24 PM

Ah, go to Peru. If the Shining Path types annoy you, you can shoot them. Very therapeutic. Just like Jen's interview question for me: "Which do you prefer, babysitting 3-year olds or the enemy?"

The enemy. You can shoot them.

Go to Peru. Armed.

Posted by: John of Argghhh! at January 13, 2004 12:51 PM

Is it warm in Peru? A box might not be so bad, you'd have a more difficult time losing your cell phone.

BTW - I thought on #72 you were going to tell us you answered the sponge and got the side of you head all wet with cold spilled coffee. So, something did go right - for once.

Posted by: Teresa at January 13, 2004 02:07 PM

Oh, LeeAnn -
I hope it's getting better. I know exactly how you feel - this is the email I got from John earlier today (while I was struggling with software that did not want to be configured!):
Oh - the kitchen drain is clogged. The whole stack, apparently. I'm gonna see if I can clear it myself tonight. It's the kitchen stack, not the main drain - so that's a relief - and that is easier to get. I'm going to have to go in via the drain upstairs, though - I tried the little bar sink in the basement and it's not draining, either, which means the whole stack is full of water and gunk - so I don't want to open the clean-out in the basement! Hopefully the clog is at the bottom of the stack, well within the reach of a snake from upstairs.

It's always f---in' something!


Posted by: Beth at January 13, 2004 07:41 PM

Peru may be your best choice to really 'get away' from all that. You may get picked up by one of the UFOs. ;^)

Posted by: Indigo at January 13, 2004 07:57 PM