the cheese stands alone

To Resolve, Don't You First Have To Solve?

Traditionally, as much as any fledgling such as blogging can be said to have a tradition, this is the time when we all post our New Year's Resolutions. Rather than scribbling them in our Dear Diary, or elegantly calligraphying them onto a sheet of parchment, all to be shoved into the sock drawer and completely ignored after the first week of rigorously righteous behavior modification, we now tippy-type them into our blog and hope the sight of them splayed across the monitor for all to see will make them more enduring.
Or is it just me?
Again?

My New Year's Resolutions That I Hope I Don't Break Embarassingly Early:

1. To not post so many quizzes. (we all know this one is right out the window, don't we?)

2. To lose weight. (a goal that would be so much easier if we could discover diet margaritas)

2a. To stop bullshitting ourselves that we will ever be as tiny as we were in '87. (and to stop singing "to dream the impossible dream" when we climb on the scales)

2b. To stop talking about ourself in the plural. We do not have a mouse in our pocket, you know.

3. To post more incisive, personal stuff like Helen does. Only without the sex. And the deep feelings. And the personal details. (because nobody does it like Helen and it would be a mad folly to try)

4. To avoid the cheese sandwiches over at the Offbrand Middle-Eastern mini-mart, becasue even if they are cheap and delicious, the EPA lawyers keep sending those cease and desist letters, and that's just no fun.

5. To watch less reality television.

5a. To quit lying like that. I'm going to watch as much reality television as I can possibly cram into my little eyeballs, because it is oxygen to my asphyxiated soul.

6. To stop secretly envying Paris Hilton, Anna Nicole Smith, and other trashy hot mamas because that way lies madness.

7. To openly envy Paris Hilton, Anna Nicole Smith and other trashy hot mamas because, baby, trashy and hot mamahood is where the money is.

8. To get a job, even if it is of the nametag variety. Stop thinking it's a waste of brainpower and education and console yourself it will be an unending source of bloggy bizarreness.

9. There you go with that talking to yourself thing again. I thought we decided to quit doing that.

10. No, we said no more pluralization, not the talking to ourselves part. It's not a crime.

11. But it makes us appear mentally unstable and unreliable and no one is going to hire us if we look like crackhead whacko-beans.

12. What the hell kind of phrase is "crackhead whacko-beans"?

13. It just popped into my head. Geez, lighten up.

14. Might have died of loneliness in there, you freak. Wind this thing up already.

15. What's your hurry? They've all clicked over to see what Glenn What's His Face had for lunch or something. It's just you and me, baby, and you know what that means.

16. Put that thing away, you know where it's been. You promised we didn't have to do that anymore. At least not on a weekday. Or in daylight.

17. No fun. You are no fun.

18. Shut up.

19. You shut up.

20. Alrighty, then. Be that way.

Posted by LeeAnn at December 31, 2003 08:39 AM