I am so incredibly annoyed right now. Annoyed is not a violent enough word.
I'm so angry, so irritated, so enraged, that I WANT a telemarketer to call me right now, so I can unleash the demon. Do I want to change my long-distance carrier? Oh, assnugget, you have no idea the beatdown you're begging for.
The most aggravating part about being this aggravated is I'm not very good at being aggravated. Okay, not good at being publicly aggravated. Wroth with wrath in the sight of others. I was raised to keep it under control, that to let anyone else see a deeper emotion was the very faux of pas. As I grew up, I realized it wasn't the public's embarrassment I was worried about, it was that paranoid little voice saying "Now that they know what pisses you off, they'll use it."
So I count to ten. I breathe deep. I go to my happy place.
Today my happy place is full of assault rifles and bell towers and laser sights.
The second most aggravating thing is that my ire has no one single target. There isn't one big thorn in my paw. There are, however, a lot of little pricks.
1. My car insurance company, who has for the fifth time in as many months completely fucked up my billing, making my payments either late, or (now, due to their accounting error from AUGUST that they are just now catching and demanding correction of) doubled. Yeah, like I have money just whizzing out the yin-yang, it being the one Christmas I am so incredibly broke that not only are the GM1 and I not getting gifts for each other, we are unable to get anyone in our families gifts, even the little kids who want only shiny trinkets, because even if I made them all homemade cookies or crafty little things that I don't have a clue of how to make, I can't afford to mail them. Thank you, SmallState!
2. The GM1, who proverbially slit his own throat by saying, when I told him happily that Jennifer was going to interview me next in her famous series of interviews, "you ought to love that, because you're such a ham."
Learn to pee sitting down, honey, unless you sleep with one eye open.
3.The "helpful" reader who sent me the long list of things I ought to do to "increase my status" in the blog community. I wish, oh how I wish, I had saved the thing itself so I could fisk it to within an inch of its condescending life. (In between screaming "MOTHRAFUCKER!" at the computer and trying to reply to it, I miskeyed and deleted. Better to cut off the head or something, I believe I was thinking.)
Let me just try to cover a few points from what little memory my rage-induced mini-stroke didn't erase....
a. If I have not linked to Ms. A, or Mr. B, or Opinionated SuperAssNugget C, it is because I don't like them. If I thoroughly loathe a blog, I do not read the loathed blog. I do not name the loathed blog. And I certainly do not give up personal feelings to be some kind of link-whore by linking to a blogger I wouldn't cross the street to piss on were they on fire. I don't care how many other bloggers think this one or that one is "incisive" and "witty" and "a really softie underneath". If I don't like, I don't link.
b. I do not think getting on my bloggy soapbox about subjects I know very little about, such as politics, is a smart way to increase my readers' respect where I got this illusion I have no idea but it's my illusion so bugger off for me when it turns out I don't know a Democrat from a donut. I remember some English instructor telling us the big rule was to "write what you know." I know horrible neighbors and strange things I see and what makes me giggle. I do not know legislation or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a congressman.
c. I don't link to current event articles because quite frankly, unless they are episodes of people getting into the Darwin Awards or involve cute kittens being rescued, I could care less.
d. I do not hate Britney Spears. Would you please shut the hell up about Britney Spears? I would give 5 years off the back end of my life if I could look like Britney Spears. I truly do not care if she is single-handedly bringing about rampant perversion in pre-teen girls' wardrobe choices. Don't these kids have parents? Then let them worry about their kid and get off my ass about why I don't hate Britney Spears.
e. I do not have pictures of myself on my blog because I think I'm "all that." What the fuck does that mean anyway, "all that"?
f. And does it not show a certain hypocrisy, Mr. Helpful Emailer, that right after you upbraid me for having photos of myself on the sidebar, you say my readership would skyrocket if I break out the boobie pics?
4. I was rejected at one job interview for being underqualified. I was rejected at the second for being overqualified.
They were at two different branches of the same crappy retail outlet.
5. My Christmas tree fell over and I have nothing but light beer in the house.
To my three loyal readers, I will apologize properly, in time, for all this whining and moaning, I am sure, because I just can't maintain the focus to stay pissy for very long. In fact, were it not for my constant growing irritation at my own typos, I would have calmed down by now.
Damn you, Microsoft ergonomic keyboard! You plastic rage-enabler, you!
You know what you can do to increase your staus in the blogcommunity? More of this! WHEW!!
Posted by: Tuning Spork at December 2, 2003 05:17 PMAh, now you gotta go ruin my mad by making me smile? You devious sweet-talker, you. :)
Posted by: LeeAnn at December 2, 2003 05:23 PMSo about now I can hear you saying...
"Fuck the caribou in Alaska. Move them somewhere else and drill for oil. Club a baby seal, and cut down trees so I can wipe my ass with toilet paper. Or grow cannabis and make hemp paper.. it works just the same."
Posted by: pylorns at December 2, 2003 07:01 PMDon't forget: "spotted owl- huh, tastes like chicken."
Posted by: LeeAnn at December 2, 2003 07:02 PMEverybody loves a pissy blogger because we all have days like this.
Best line of the day: "Today my happy place is full of assault rifles and bell towers and laser sights." Oh you CAN'T delete that! :-)
Posted by: Lynn S at December 2, 2003 07:53 PMYour day sounds as pissy as mine, only you make me laugh about it!
Posted by: Beth at December 2, 2003 09:08 PMI have a new hero and they call her LeeAnn.
Posted by: Anna at December 2, 2003 09:23 PMThat was simply out-fucking-standing! You keep writing what you know, that's good stuff. By going off on Mr. Helpful Emailer - you just made my day.
Posted by: Sue at December 2, 2003 09:28 PMI wonder what gave Mr Helpful Emailer the idea that you are a status-ician? Or that you don't have status already? Which you do because you are one of the elite--the few, the proud, the Munuvians...Can't get much cooler than that....
Posted by: Susie at December 2, 2003 10:09 PMIt looks like your emailer got you in touch with your inner Marine. Fisking accomplished and as Susie said, as a Munuvian you have more status than all but 25 other blogs on the net.
Posted by: Simon at December 2, 2003 11:01 PMI hope you don't delete this post. It was beautiful.
Frankly, this was my favorite line(s):
"There isn't one big thorn in my paw. There are, however, a lot of little pricks."
And #5...man...it's the salt in the wounds that can throw a girl over the edge sometimes.
Oh, btw, the next time a potential employer tells you that you are overqualified, ask them what that means. Then answer them with the truth that you need the job as compared to the 18 year old who doesn't and WILL walk off the job so that whole bit about them being concerned you are only there until you find something better...most people are...it's a bullshit line, call them on it.
Posted by: Serenity at December 2, 2003 11:17 PMBeautiful rant. I am very sad to have missed the potential fisking, though.
Posted by: Jennifer at December 3, 2003 03:06 AM{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LeeAnn}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Damn woman, you're beautiful (and funny as hell) when you're pissed off!
Posted by: Ted at December 3, 2003 07:53 AMThank you to everyone who did not abandon me whilst I frothed. :)
Guess I won't delete this sucker after all.
As I am sure you can discern, this lady doesn't need any defending. She's armed to the teeth. I would, however, like to share my thoughts.
I've known LeeAnn personally for years. I can state with certainty that increasing her status in the blog community doesn't drive her. This blog is but one outlet for her tremendous talent. She could, and has, outletted elsewhere. I seldom embark on a creative endeavor without consulting her.
(As I type this I can't help but notice this so-called think-she's "all that" young lady gnawing on a turkey leg so allthatsomely. Britney Spears eat yer gizzards out.)
I suspect that the sender of that email is either an acne-scarred adolescent troll who sneaks onto their mom's puter when she goes to the grocery store, or a novice blogger who, failing to have original ideas, cruises various blogs for tidbits to steal, and when coming across LeeAnn's site realized her material is so original that theft would be apparent. Yet her material is so tantalizing; think of an unattended flaming red Jaguar with a white convertible top and personalized license tags that say “MY JAG” with the keys in the ignition. Sure it looks tempting, but you’ll never get away with it you little pencil necked dweebish twerp.
No, you don't find much here in the way of politics, current events, and Britney Spears. I'm sure there are many fine blogs who do very credible work talking about these sorts of things, but for me these sorts of things are talked up in every media every day every where you look - even if you aren't looking. Her line:
"I know horrible neighbors and strange things I see and what makes me giggle. I do not know legislation or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a congressman."
probably expresses the feeling of most people, even those who write their opinions as if their opinions are fact when indeed their opinions have no more substance than the referred to Twinkies.
For me, LeeAnn's Cheese truly Stands Alone. A haven from "standard". A shelter from "pop topical". An original nothing-like-it place to come and get real slices of real life in such short supply these days, that we all can identify with because we've all been archetypically "there". The job interviews, the neighbors, the sometimes/sometimes-not supportive spouse, the shit-for-brains employees hired by shit-for-brains executives of shit-for-brains corporations, the critics who criticize what they cannot grasp and so cannot express, the discarded turkeys left on sidewalks only to be toed and passed by. It’s “them” and it’s “us”. It feels like home.
My tiny disappointment that LeeAnn let this person with a room temperature IQ get to her is overshadowed by the sheer exhilaration of reading her slice of "first this, then this, and on top of all that NOW THIS!" we humans endure so often. Thank you for expressing our frustrations (and joys) so succinctly, LeeAnn.
I'm going to have to get mad more often... and Bob, the check is so very in the mail. Thank you. :)
Posted by: LeeAnn at December 3, 2003 09:18 AMYou can take comfort in knowing that Ralphie loves you :-)
Posted by: Lynn at December 3, 2003 09:39 AMUh, could you restate that in language that a moron could understand, please?
Posted by: Tiger at December 3, 2003 11:19 AMDon't ever change, LeeAnn. You rock.
- A generally mute (but loyal!) reader
Are you under a strain(er) right now?
Try the plaid.
Worked wonders last time.
Smooch!
Posted by: Da Goddess at December 3, 2003 10:48 PMP.S. Don't delete this. It's PRECIOUS! I love all of it.
P.P.S. Can I give you a few helpful tips to increase your status in your new neighborhood? Turkey, roadkill, ass-nugget neighbor recipes. Legal ways to annoy and irritate those who annoy and, yes, irritate you? Fondue potpourri. Fwuffy, wuffy, wittle kitty posters to brighten your day?
P.P.P.S. Don't forget the plaid. It's the new black.
Posted by: Da Goddess at December 3, 2003 11:01 PMWomen with attitudes and a blow torch aimed at the chip on their shoulder.
Good times. Good times.
Great rant, #5 got a good laugh out of me, too. :)
Amen Sistah! Glad you decided not to delete this, cuz I woulda missed it, and it was worth reading. I feel the same way, and never apologize for a good rant, especially when you do it so well. : O)
Posted by: JaxVenus at December 4, 2003 08:55 PMThis is why I love you - your happy place looks just like my happy place! Woo!!! Shoulder-mounted missile launchers for everyone!!!! And to all a good nigh... ouch.
Posted by: inkgrrl at December 5, 2003 02:01 PM