The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering
a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Sattelite coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with
three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred
civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all
participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department
directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport
with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes.
Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in
obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly
conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support
in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety.
Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills
snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how
Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers
two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and
engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses
snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to
weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with
Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing
multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the
future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on
infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or
SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds
bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash
blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but
can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear
weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators
of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake
activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds
of professional courtesy.