the cheese stands alone

Onion

It's all about me, baby.

Ten Layers Of Me
LAYER ONE
-- Name: LeeAnn
-- Birth date: September 6
-- Birthplace: West Virginia
-- Current Location: Pearl Harbor, Hawaii San Diego, California
-- Eye Color: green
-- Hair Color: light brown
-- Height: 5'2"
-- Righty or Lefty: lefty
-- Zodiac Sign: Virgo
LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Irishy, with a splash of Dutch/German. This explains the beer fixation and the anal-retentiveness.
-- The shoes you wore today: ancient black Converse high-tops.
-- Your weakness: cheese, cheese, sushi, cheese. Possibly cheese sushi.
-- Your fears: too damn many to list, but a sampling would include swimming in opaque water, bugs, crowds, boredom......
-- Your perfect pizza: thin crust with mushrooms and jalapenos
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: transform my pudgy self back into the nice size 6 I used to be (and world domination, of course)
LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on IM: I don't have IM. I get enough randomization in my social life just living in military housing.
-- Your thoughts first waking up: "What, again?"
-- Your best physical feature: nice chewy bottom lip, and my lovely tattoos.
-- Your most missed memory: If it's a memory, then that means I remember it, right? So if I miss it, that means it's gone so I don't remember it, so it can't be a memory.... Do not fuck me around with this Catch-22 bullshit.
LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: diet Pepsi, with a shot of citron vodka.
-- McDonald's or Burger King: mmmm, McDonald's, and screw the bad press they've been getting.
-- Single or group dates: neither. The GM1 prefers that I don't date. He's funny that way.
-- Adidas or Nike: Nike for serious workouts, Addidas for retro-style.
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton iced tea, but I make it myself. Canned tea tastes oddly metallic, which I prefer to taste only after blowing robots (just checking to see if anyone's read this far.)
-- Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla, because you can tart it up with chocolate or caramel sauce.
-- Cappuccino or coffee: coffee. Lots and lots of coffee if I'm expected to function and not immediately slaughter innocents when I wake up.
LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: Never have. Well, except the illegal kind in high school.
-- Cuss: all the fucking time, you great wanking dickface.
-- Sing: in the car or in the shower, but never where anyone can hear me and report animal cruelty.
-- Take a shower everyday: sometimes twice. Sometimes three times. If I'm short on laundry, I showered fully-dressed. Hooray for efficiency!
-- Do you think you've been in love: many more times than was good for me, except this last one, which is still ongoing.
-- Want to go to college: have gone, on and off. I might like to continue just to finish my degree, but from what I read lately, college professors tend to be overly-liberal, PC nazis who I'd most likely walk out on. Plus, what does it say about the worth of a college diploma if you need one to be a bloody receptionist? What's next, requiring a Ph.D to deliver a pizza? Kind of cheapens it, to make it needed to get a basic entry-level minimum wage job. /rant
-- Like(d) high school: Oh hell no! I was a geek, and worse, a girl geek, which was like having two heads in the 70s. Some of my fondest fantasies are going back to a reunion and doing a Carrie to them.
-- Want to get married: I've done it four times, and only this last time was worth a shit. The first three were complete wastes of skin. I think I fancied myself a matrimonial Mother Theresa.
-- Believe in yourself: see-saw on that one. It often depends on if the day is a good hair day.
-- Get motion sickness: only on boats.
-- Think you're attractive: I don't scare small children (too bad) but I don't make grown men trip over their hard-ons either.
-- Think you're a health freak: I drink light beer, does that count? Oh, and I put the calcium-enriched orange juice in my screwdrivers.
-- Get along with your parent(s): I adore my mother.
-- Like thunderstorms: as long as I don't have to drive in them, yes.
-- Play an instrument: I'd love to play the piano. (I was very tempted to insert a low, gutter-mouthed "skin flute" joke here, but I didn't. Classy points for me!)
LAYER SIX:
In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: Who do you think you're talking to? Have you never read my blog before?
-- Smoked: no.
-- Done a drug: I went to high school in the 70s. If you didn't partake of something at least once, you were obviously not human. That was pretty much the last time *nostalgic sigh*
-- Made Out: yepper. The GM1 is a great kisser.
-- Gone on a date: We don't have dates. We have "episodes of social wandering".
-- Gone to the mall?: yes
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: no, but I did hoover down an entire container of Pringles.
-- Eaten sushi: as much as I can get.
-- Been on stage: no
-- Been dumped: only by the deity of Common Sense. Don't get me started.
-- Gone skating: I wish.
-- Made homemade cookies: no. I don't cook/bake/prepare if I can avoid it.
-- Gone skinny dipping: does the bathtub count?
-- Dyed your hair: just a tiny bit
-- Stolen anything: I confess... the bank is less a pen because of me. Damn my thieving ways!
-- You sound boring: I prefer "stable". Okay, boring is accurate too.
LAYER SEVEN
Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: back in the olden days when removal of my knee socks didn't expose my nipples.
-- If so, was it mixed company: yes, but they were not only mixed, they were mixed up, confused about their sexuality, and decided halfway into the game to go out for pizza and not return. Except for the one who passed out under the beanbag chair.
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: see beanbag chair entry above.
-- Been caught "doing something": amazingly, never. Quite a few near-misses, though.
-- Been called a tease: yes, and damn proud of it.
-- Gotten beaten up: yep. Told you some of my ex-husbands were bastards, didn't I? There you go.
-- Shoplifted: junior high was like a Winona Ryder training film.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: yes, but was aware of it, like putting on a costume and giggling under the mask.
LAYER EIGHT:--
--Age you hope to be married: Oh, for the love of... catch up, people!
-- Numbers and Names of Children: I have had a cat. I have had a lot of cats. Too numerous and flaky to name or number. Now I have goldfish. Frigging pet deposit nazis.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: any one that didn't involve the first three losers. If I could re-wedding the one I had with the GM1, I'd change quite a few things (venue, reception, guest list, dress) but leave the best part alone (the GM1).
-- How do you want to die: painlessly, in my sleep, after making the Guiness Book of Records for Oldest Person Ever Ever That Wasn't Monkey-butt Senile.
-- Where you want to go to college: somewhere without political correctness or liberal bullshit.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: day late and a dollar short on that question.
-- What country would you most like to visit: Australia.
Layer Nine -
--Opposite sex (or the same?) both. I'm greedy.
-- Best eye color? brown
-- Best hair color? brown
-- Short or long hair: doesn't matter as long as it's nice and clean.
-- Best Height? medium or shortish
-- Best weight: for me 110 lbs., for a man 160ish
-- Best articles of clothing: jeans. Gotta go with the classics
-- Best first date location: zoo.
-- Best first kiss location: at the front door, after the goodbye and before the "what would you like for breakfast?"
LAYER TEN:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: I grew up in the 70s. I stopped counting during freshman year.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: two- the GM1 and my mom.
-- Number of CDs that I own: without an accurate count, about 200.
-- Number of piercings: twelve. (eleven in the ears and one lovely bellybutton ring.)
-- Number of tattoos: ten currently, two more planned.
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: a couple of community theater reviews.
-- Number of scars on my body: tons. But as the old saying goes, "Pain heals. Chicks dig scars Glory is forever."
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: did I mention my exes? Let's just say the first 28 years of my life. But oh, the revenge is sweet.

In addition....
FIRSTS:

* FIRST JOB: I babysat the most horrid children in the world, Todd and his baby brother, at age 13.
* FIRST SCREEN NAME: molly
* FIRST SELF-PURCHASED CD: It was actually an album... Goodbye Yellowbrick Road by Elton John.
* FIRST PIERCING/TATTOO: I got my ears pierced when I was 15.
* FIRST ENEMY: Mom's first boyfriend after she got divorced.

LASTS:

* LAST KISS: The GM1, as often as possible.
* LAST LIBRARY BOOK: "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix", last week.
* LAST MOVIE SEEN: "Big Fish"
* LAST BEVERAGE DRANK: Water.
* LAST FOOD CONSUMED: potato bread
* LAST PHONE CALL: My mom called to ask what I thought of the latest episode of "Oz"
* LAST CD PLAYED:"Genius", Warren Zevon
* LAST ANNOYANCE: my stupid printer mangled 4 sheets of the good paper before I could stop it.
* LAST SODA DRINK: Diet Pepsi
* LAST ICE CREAM EATEN: this yummy stuff from Coldstone, all vanilla and honey and cinnamon and caramel.... oh so wonderful.
* LAST TIME SCOLDED: The GM1 scolded me for getting so drunk and taking a walk alone on St. Patrick's Day.
* LAST SHIRT WORN: ancient white sweatshirt

I:

* I AM: a 46 year old woman still growing up.
* I WANT: to lose weight.
* I HAVE: the best husband in existance.
* I WISH: we owned our own home.
* I HATE: most people
* I FEAR: bugs
* I HEAR: traffic on the freeway
* I SEARCH: for reasons
* I WONDER: why religious nuts even bother
* I REGRET: many asskickings I never applied when needed
* I LOVE: the GM1 and my mom.
* I ALWAYS: hate my jobs
* I AM NOT: pretty
* I DANCE: in history
* I SING: in the car
* I CRY: privately

YES OR NO:

* YOU KEEP A DIARY: do blogs count?
* YOU LIKE TO COOK: Sometimes.
* YOU HAVE A SECRET NOT SHARED WITH ANYONE: Yes.

DO YOU:

* HAVE A CRUSH: on the GM1, catch up already.
* WANT TO GET MARRIED: I'm already married.
* GET MOTION SICKNESS: on boats
* THINK YOU'RE A HEALTH FREAK: not a chance
* CURRENT HAIR COLOR: dead mouse brown
* EYE COLOR: Green.
* BIRTHPLACE: Huntington WV

FAVORITES:

* NUMBER: 11
* COLOR: green
* DAY: Thursday (because that's when "Survivor" is on
* MONTH: June
* SONG(S): "Army Song" by Ben Folds Five
* SEASON: Spring
* DRINK: beer

PREFERENCES:

* CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: both at once
* CHOCOLATE MILK OR HOT CHOCOLATE: chocolate milk
* MILK, DARK, OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: white chocolate.
* VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: vanilla.

IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU:

* CRIED: almost, at the sad part of "Tombstone"
* HELPED SOMEONE: helped the GM1 with his resume
* BOUGHT SOMETHING: yep, got some lovely London broil for tomorrow
* GOTTEN SICK: no.
* GONE TO THE MOVIES: no.
* SAID, "I LOVE YOU.": yes.
* WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: yes
* TALKED TO AN EX?: I'd just as soon pull out my tongue than speak to those bastards
* MISSED AN EX?: Not a chance. I have great aim.
* WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL: blog blog bloggity blog
* HAD A SERIOUS TALK: Balls. No way.
* MISSED SOMEONE?: Yes.
* HUGGED SOMEONE?: Yes.
* MADE SOMEONE MOAN: only at a bad joke.

1. What year was the best year of your life?
1988

2. One animal or insect that Noah should have left off the ark?
Every single insect except for ladybugs.

3. Do you make a wish before blowing out your birthday candles?
I wish on everything.

4. Do you generally open your bills on the day that you receive them?
Yeah, just so I can see what I'm throwing away.

5. How many pillows are on your bed?
12, if you count the decorative ones too.

6. Favorite ice cream flavor?
Strawberry.

7. What is the most dominate color in your wardrobe?
White, mostly t-shirts.

8. Have you ever seen a ghost?
No.

9. Would you rather go to a carnival or circus?
Circus. One big travel goal: go see Cirque du Soliel.

10. Favorite meal: breakfast, lunch, or dinner?
Dinner, in a nice restaurant.

11. Your favorite fictional animal?
Flying kittens.

12. Have you ever flown first-class?
No.

13. Would you go on a reality show?
In a heartbeat.

14. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic about the future?
What future?

15. Pancakes or waffles?
Pancakes.

16. If you could own a home anywhere in the world, where would it be?
In a temperate clime, as far away from people as possible.

17. Your favorite Soup of the Day?
French onion or clam chowder.

18. What site is a must see for all visitors to your city?
The Wild Animal Park

19. Can you recommend a good restaurant in your city?
Cheesecake Factory or O-Nami Sushi.

20. You go to the zoo; what is the one animal that you want to see?
Hippos.

21. Potatoes, rice, or pasta: which is your favorite?
Pasta

22. What is the best movie that you've seen this year?
Kill Bill.

23. One of your favorite books when you were a child?
Valley of the Dolls.

24. What in your life are you most grateful for?
My husband.

25. You are home alone and use the bathroom; do you close the door?
No.

26. What is your favorite small appliance?
My coffee machine.

27. Salty snacks or sweet treats?
Salty.

28. Are you usually a little early, a little late, or right on time?
Early.

29. What is the most daring thing that you have ever done?
Drove across country by myself.

30. Have you ever met someone famous?
Yes, I met the lead singer of Dr. Hook, and Shelby, an actor with Sound and Fury.

31. What was one of your favorite games as a child?
Hide and Fuck Off.

32. At what age have you looked your best?
31.

33. One person that never fails to make you laugh?
Dave Barry.

34. What was the first music that you ever bought?
"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road".

35. If you could change one thing about your family life when you were a child, what would it be?
I wish my natural father had died a painful death and left my mom a fortune so she wouldn't have to remarry if she didn't want to.

36. What is the one thing that you cook that always receives compliments?
Spaghetti.

37. From what news source do you receive the bulk of your news?
Internet.

38. In the last calendar year, how many people have you told that you love them?
Two.

39. Who received your first kiss?
Some kid in second grade named Blacky, who promptly punched me in the face.

40. The single most important quality in a mate?
Loyalty.

41. What do you value most in a relationship?
Security.

42. Do you believe that you have a soulmate? If yes, have you already met?
Yep, married to him right now.

43. Do you consider yourself well organized?
Overly.

44. On average, how many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror?
Maybe four.

45. Did you ever make a prank phone call?
Oh yeah.

46. What one quality do you seek in a friend?
Ability to respect borders.

47. Have you ever killed an animal?
Yes.

48. When you were twelve years old, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A stewardess.

49. Do you believe in an afterlife?
Of course not.

50. What would you like to accomplish with the remaining years of your life?
Immortality.

And here are 15 more questions:

1. What is the "theme" on your calendar this year?
Random pictures, since I print my own on a weekly basis.

2. Do you read the newspaper every day?
No.

3. What kind of shoes are you wearing right now?
Barefoot.

4. What magazines do you subscribe to?
Entertainment Weekly, Dragon, Allure.

5. What is your favorite condiment?
Mustard.

6. What was the first occupation you remember wanting to have?
I said stewardess, weren't you listening?

7. Do you have a green thumb?
I kill plants with a mere thought.

8. Did you have an imaginary friend when you were little?
Yes.

9. Do you floss regularly?
No, it gags me.

10. If you could still hang posters of celebrities on your walls and get away with it like when you were 12, who would be on your walls right now?
Tom Hanks and Angelina Jolie

11. Do you keep shoe boxes or throw them away?
Throw them away.

12. Would you be embarrassed if someone looked under your bed?
No. All they'd find is my gun.

13. If you could be one character in a book, who would you be?
Molly from "Neuromancer" by William Gibson.

14. What do you sleep in?
Victoria's Secret pajamas

15. What is your favourite word?
Fuck, or bugger.

The ABC List
A - Act your age? I wouldn't begin to know how. Women my age are a mystery and bewilderment to me. I don't think we have much mutual context.

B - Born on what day of the week? I think it was a Friday, September 6, 1957.
On a tangent, I hesitated to put the facts here, and then realized if someone really wants to go to the trouble to find out who The Cheesemistress is, there were plenty of clues. Not like I'm worth the security seal on my FBI file, you know?

C - Chore you hate? Stupidly, it's emptying the dishwasher and putting the dishes away, knowing that in less than a day it will have to happen all over again.

D - Dad's name? Ronald Lee L*****, may he rot in hell.

E- Essential makeup item? Mascara. Oh, and eye shadow. And liner. Don't forget a nice tinted moisturizer. And some pretty lip gloss. Oh, must powder down a bit too.
I love Sepphora, I truly do.

F - Favorite actor? My idol is Tom Hanks, but right now I love watching Brad Pitt.

G - Gold or silver? Must I choose?

H – Hometown? Well, born in Huntington, West Virginia, grew up in nearby Ceredo and Barboursville, but home is where the heart is, which means home is where the GM1 is, which right now means San Diego.
I fucking hate small towns.

I - Instruments you play? Not a damn one. I'm too uncoordinated.

J - Job title? Food Service Clerk, a.k.a. the Betrayer of Rules, the Fairy Floss Floozie, and She-Who-Loathes-Tourists.

K - Kids? A gorgeous daughter, Kelly, age 28.

L - Living arrangements? A reasonably nice two bedroom apartment in southern San Diego, in a neighborhood full of idiots, assholes, and lunatics, all of whom have car alarms from hell and no idea of the concept of "turn it the fuck DOWN!"
Yeah, I hate it here.

M - Mom's name? Judith.

N - Need... To get over the urge to kill my neighbors and coworkers, as it's not only time-consuming to do so but the subsequent paperwork might just be the death of me too.

O - Overnight hospital stays? Tons. I am a professional klutz.

P - Phobias? Bugs. The best way, btw, to alienate yourself in my affections is to not take this seriously and try to "have fun" by putting bugs near or on me.
I will kill you.

Q - Quote you like? "The Fear had two parts. Number one, you have lost control absolutely. Number two, having done so, the real you emerges, and you won't like it." - Tom Maddox, "Snake Eyes"

R - Religious affiliation? Atheist. Seriously anti-religion. Nothing fucks up the world worse than actions stemming from a belief in some imaginary power figure.

S - Siblings? One brother.
T - Time you wake up? 4 bloody goddamn 30 in the cocksucking AM. Can you tell I just love it?

U - Unique talent? Finding the funny in almost everything.

V - Vegetable you refuse to eat? Kale. Oh my dog, nasty nasty nasty.

W - Worst habit? Not being able to tell anyone off unless I am nearly uncontrollably angry, when coherence is unfortunately at the low point.
I have constant wit of the staircase syndrome.

X - X-rays you've had? Gallons. I glow in the dark now.

Y - Yummy food you make? Lasagna. And appletinis.

Z - Zodiac Sign? Virgo. Pure as the driven slush.

For and Against
Right now, in both the bloggy and the real worlds, there seems to be a lot of side-taking. A lot of "here is where I stand" ism. A lot of position-punditry.
I have the reputation of being the lighter side, the frivilous one. The lampshade-wearer who will happily go along and not make waves.
The time has come for me to take my stand and make my sticking point and say my piece. My two cents worth. My side.
And as always, if you don't like it... bugger off.

I am FOR:
personal responsibility
the death penalty
abortion ON DEMAND
stronger and more aggresive border controls
immediate execution of terrorists, foreign and domestic
immediate castration without anesthetic for rapist
strictly enforced licensing required to be a parent

I am AGAINST:
religion
jesus freaks
the ACLU
PETA
any rights or benefits for illegal aliens
the cult of the child
breastfeeding in public
censorship
frivilous lawsuits
prudish "Britney is the downfall of civilization" type blogs
liberals
tree-huggers

(1. previously posted on Blogspot)(2. updated March 2004) (3 and 4 added May 2004)(ABC List added June 2004)(for and against added July 2004)

Posted by LeeAnn at June 3, 2003 02:16 PM