the cheese stands alone

I Want Better Odds Than 9 To 5

I'm still the resume queen. I've sent out over 21 resumes in response to various want ads. Some of them were intriguingly vague ("office halp"- spelled just like that, so they obviously need spellchecker 'halp' if nothing else). Some were frighteningly explicit ("Applicant must have a B.S. in computational psychosis mathematics, a Masters degree in nuclear tactical overclocking, and be able to lift 50 pounds and work weekends.") Some were just silly ("You have a distinguished career waiting for you at Wal-Mart!")

I've had one interview which came to naught, and no other replies. It would probably help if I actually had any legally marketable skills.

So when I saw this over at DaGoddess's place, I figured I could just go down the checklist and find out what I've been doing wrong......

TEN TIPS ON GETTING MORE EFFICIENCY OUT OF WOMEN EMPLOYEES
From the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine

1.) Pick young, married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
By this criteria, I'm already ahead of the game, since I'm a serial offender. I take umbrage with the less-likely-to-be-flirtatious part, since most women my age seem to flirt much more aggressively, like they can hear the time swelling between husbands. As to pep and interest... oh please, I lost my pep years ago in the war.

2.) When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
Sorry, but I've worked outside the home all my life, and that's exactly what made me cantakerous and fussy.

3.) General experience indicates that "husky" girls- those who are just a little on the heavy side- are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
Uh huh. The way Roseanne is always easier to get along with than Jennifer Aniston?

4.) Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination- one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
Nothing says "desirable job candidate" like a rubber-gloved hand up the wahzoo.

5.) Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
It's not that we lack initiative, it's that we excel in finding a male colleague with the inability to look at a woman above chest level to do it for us. Cleavage is a marvelous tool when used properly.

6.) Whenever possible, let the female employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
Yes, it's finally out- women are poodles in constant search of a new tree.

7.) Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make for some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
I heard a comedienne once complain that her manager was always fussing at her to wear more lipstick, bright happy lipstick. "Yeah" she said. "But what if I'm not funny? Then all the not-funny is coming out of these big red lips."

8.) Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman- it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
That's right, we cry at the drop of a hat. We cry at everything and anything. We cry until you give up and do it for us.
Then we stop and smile.

9.) Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
Bad words like "unpaid overtime" and "no daycare" and "gender-based salary levels".

10.) Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
Men have no such requirement, thus the proliferation of plumber's crack.

I'd look good in a blue vest, I bet.

Posted by LeeAnn at September 23, 2003 06:20 AM